I remember being with you because it was the type of love that everyone should be able to feel. The butterflies that came after every look, every touch, every kiss. I was completely and utterly in love with you. I had never felt that way before, and I thought that I was your forever; I wanted to be the person that was always there for you, the person that you looked for in the crowd. It felt like a love story for so long, like the wonders of Romeo and Juliet before it turned into something horrible.
But in the end, it turned into something so terrible that I had no other choice but to run away from everything.
What was once a love story turned to something dark and twisted that created a wall between us and the friendship that we had. I couldn't understand what was wrong, but it just seemed like there was something that had been wedged between us, and I felt as if I was being suffocated by the extra effort that you were trying to give. However, it was supposed to feel effortless, and now it was like there was a criminal holding you hostage and the only other option was to love me. We became toxic, both to ourselves and to each other.
Through all the fighting and arguments and petty comments, it just seemed like we couldn't hold it together. I had never felt so sad or angry because I had been convinced for so long that you were going to be my forever. But, I was slowly withered away by all the arguing that we had been doing, and it turned me into a cement block. I couldn't even look at my phone without being angry, and I really just couldn't face the fact that I didn't even want to be your friend anymore.
You had turned me into the person who could no longer open up to others. You were the reason that I refused to talk to other people about my feelings. It was because of you that I literally couldn't trust any other person enough to let them into my life without the fear of this happening again. I was forced to cut you off, even though you were my best friend for so long.
It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and I convinced myself that it was the only thing that I could've done to separate myself from the toxicity that surrounded you. However, as the days turned into weeks, I began to find pieces of myself that you had hidden. It was amazing. I finally realized everything that I capable of without you as my security blanket. And, when I texted you again, months later, I felt nothing.
After all the time spent apart and all the knowledge I had gained about myself, I learned that I don't need you in my life to take care of me. I don't need you to be my rant buddy. And, I don't need you to love me for me to be able to make it through life on my own. Honestly, I'm happy that I felt nothing because it confirmed just how much I have grown with my own development and independence.
I want to say thank you for being there for me and for being one of my best friends for so long. Thank you for loving me the way I deserved for so long. Thank you for letting me see the toxicity that we had. And thank you for allowing me to find my own story without you in it. I finally know what it is like to be happy alone, and I like it.
The Girl Who Found Herself