When my dad died, where he was buried was almost like an open field. There were very few graves after his row and there was a neighborhood that you could see behind the trees. There was a lake and sometimes the sun and sunset bounced off it. I never really noticed how much time had passed since then, but recently after visiting my dad’s grave I noticed so many things. There are more graves than ever now and the trees have grown so tall that you can’t see the neighborhood, but you can hear the children playing. People die every day, but I don’t think we realize that a lot of time passes and so many things change, even when it feels like such a short passing.
My dad was a kind and gentle person.
He always had a smile on his face and never let anything bother him. He was strong and he gave the best hugs. He was also very smart and talented. I can remember him playing his electric guitar and working on electronics in his little workroom. I can remember him watching Discovery Channel and how he would fall asleep five minutes after we’d ask if he was going to sleep even though he’d say no. There was never a bad or dull moment in my life when my dad was alive until the day he died.
Life goes on but I believe that when someone you truly love dies, you never really do move on. I mean, we’ve all graduated, moved, got jobs, and so on, but I don’t think anyone really moves on. Time doesn’t heal it any more than it just makes the pain slowly ebb away year after year. Some days I am full of energy and enjoying what life has to offer, but some days I just want to not exist. It can last for days, weeks, or months, and for years I didn’t understand why I felt this way.
When my dad died, I didn’t really get it. I was upset and I cried but I didn’t really mourn. I was only nine years old. I was sent to counseling and all that jazz, but I want to say it wasn’t until I got into high school that I finally understood. I started having mood swings and repressing my feelings, feeling alone and angry with myself and the world. A lot of things opened my eyes with not having a father because he was dead.
Having to listen to your friends talk about how much they loved their dad or even disliked their dad made me feel weird back then. I couldn’t relate. I could only reminisce and talk about what he was like back then. I will never know how my dad would've been today or for the rest of my life.
I’ve made many friends with the common grounds that our fathers are deceased and most of my friends always lose their fathers first should one of their parents die. It’s a bittersweet feeling connecting through loss, but I truly understand. My dad has been dead for fifteen years.
In those fifteen years, I have graduated both high school and college. I have worked hard in every job I’ve obtained. I’ve made friends and delved into hobbies. I’ve fallen in love (and out of it too). I’ve learned to enjoy life and appreciate all the small stuff. I’ve spent a lot of time learning to love myself. But in the same stance, I have spent many years emotionally repressed, I have spent many years making dumb mistakes and pushing people away, I have doubted myself completely, I have cried many days and nights alone and I have fallen apart more times than I can count. I’m surviving though, like my dad would’ve wanted me too.
I say all of this and wish I could say more, but I don’t even know if I could say what I want to say. I wish my dad were still here, like I do every passing year. I wish he could enjoy the technology of today and see what the world has to offer. I wish he could be here to watch all of us grow up and become successful, but I know he is watching even in death. I know he is always with me and I am grateful for that, but I am not afraid to say that I wish he were here in the flesh. I am not ashamed to say that I wonder how different life would be if he had never died, but that’s all just thoughts and dreams now. I am happy where I am now and I will do what I can to remain happy and successful with my dad watching from the heavens.
I love you and I miss you, Dad.
One day we will meet again, and then I can really tell you everything.
Until then, please keep watching over me and everyone else.
