In life, you will find a person who comes into your life unexpectedly; like a perfect storm, and with no warning or time for preparation for your heart. Someone who will make you feel a rollercoaster of emotions, whether it be a significant other, or a friendship, etc. Mine was you.
Before I met you, I prayed for a saving grace, a handsome prince to save me from the life I was living. And then God sent me you. It was as if you were made for me, and I was made for you. You were my safe haven, the point in my life where I realized that a person could be home, instead of a place. I would hold your hand and think, "This is really going to hurt when I lose you." I was right.
Nobody ever warns you about the depth of the pain of losing someone who is still alive.
But even if I was warned, I wouldn't have listened.
I loved you with every inch of my soul. I was so happy that in this messed up world, I was blessed to have found you. All of the waiting I spent in the darkest days of my life, was worth it when you showed me light. You made me look at life from a different perspective, and that someone like me could be loved by an amazing man like you.
The last few months were anything, but easy. It was almost as if I was self-destructing before the destruction could take its own course. Breaking up with someone when you still love them is the most heart-wrenching pain I have ever felt in my life. I still feel it sometimes. When I was more engulfed in the idea of how I was losing myself, I knew we were bound to end. There was no saving my mind.
When I ended it, I felt as if a thousand knives were digging in my heart and there was nothing I could do, but sit there and think that what I did was for a somewhat good reason. But I still think to myself, was it the right thing to do?
I'm glad I saved my "10," because what I felt and am still feeling, is exactly that. Nothing I have ever experienced in my life has made me feel this way, which is why I always knew I was going to save my "10" for this.
See, I believe in "right person, wrong timing." I believe that when you find a person who brings out a better version of yourself, you don't let them go.
I shouldn't have let you go.
Missing you isn't holding back tears when I'm in a crowd of people. Missing you is searching for you in a crowd of people, then coming to the realization that you won't be there. Missing you isn't trying to fake smile in front of friends because in reality I just want to be alone. Missing you is not being able to sleep because the regret and the thought of you are so strong, it's heart-wrenching. Missing you is wanting to call you as soon as I get any good news, but coming back to the realization that I can't do that. That you deserve the space from the damage I did to you. As I am sitting here typing this, I hope that you are happy and that your life now is everything you could ever dream of, even if that means me not in it. And even though I hate to admit it, it's you, and it always will be you. You gave me the best moments of my life and for that, I am forever grateful.
"The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt."
One of my favorite Bible verses is "Joy comes in the morning." And oh, I long for that Joy.
So to the next girl that loves you,
I hope she doesn't have to use her 10.
