My second semester has been (still is) very difficult. I’m not sure where it went wrong, but its been consistently going downhill. I don’t know how to get back on track. Perhaps it started off on the wrong path, slowly getting worse with each added conflict. Maybe it got worse because I let every trivial thing bother me, not solving anything until it became a big mess.
I think a lot has to do with me not asking for help, something I’m not good at. I am rarely completely honest with people around me. Of course, I don’t lie about things, but I also don’t share everything that's on my mind, just partial stories. While a part of me loves communicating, sharing, and giving advice, I know that if it gets too personal, I shut it down.
Last December, there was a huge tragedy in the K-pop community. A member of Shinee, JongHyun (JH) was found dead in his apartment. While we may never know the exact details, the big reason behind it was his long-suffered depression. I know I was really affected by the news. Shinee, while I may not be the biggest fangirl, was a big part of my growing up ever since their debut in 2008. I know their hit songs by heart, and can still sing along if I hear it. To have someone who I’ve seen become a world star, a loved artist, disappear from life really shook me. I was definitely sad, crying every time I read his story on my feed, but there was a deeper emotion of emptiness that lingered for days. For days, I wondered, why couldn’t we, his fans/acquaintances, who cared about him, do anything to stop it.
This January, my uncle passed away, quite similar to how JongHyun died. He died unexpectedly, in a quite sudden, and perhaps very lonely way. While he has grown quite grumpy in the last few years, we had been very close when I was young. Oddly, when I got the news, I didn’t react as outwardly as I did when JH died. I was in my aunt’s (his younger sister) house with my cousins, and thought that at least one of us should remain strong. But this feeling lasted, even when my uncle came, when we got to my grandparents’ house, when my parents arrived from Korea, all the way until school started and I returned to NYC.
The emptiness I felt with JH feels even worse when thinking about my uncle. It’s such an unexplainable hollowness that is quite draining, my energy, time, motivation. I can’t help but think about him when I have any spare space in my brain. To know that I could have been nicer every time I saw him, to have called him when I had the chance, to have noticed when I saw the signs or even be someone that he could have asked for help. That unanswered doubt of what if and the taste of guilt that lingers in the back of my heart, doesn’t seem to go away with time.
I have written a lot of reflection pieces so maybe sometime in the future, I can reflect on this moment of time. From my past experiences, I know that while it takes time for anything to “be okay,” once you “get over it,” it does make you stronger. Even though my rational side understands that, my emotional side doesn’t seem to understand that just yet. Honestly, I can’t really see this semester getting much better.
I’m just so exhausted right now and everyone around me seems to be so too. People have been visiting their psychiatrists more, some started taking anti-depressants, few have even taken semesters off. For me, I started texting my counselor from high school. I think right now, the best thing anyone can do is try to ask for help when they need. And please, to those that I love, ask my for help and don’t let me be lost in another endless doubt. As selfish as that may be, I cannot survive more guilt.
I end with Lee Hi’s Breathe, which was written and produced by JH. This song has been achingly comforting to hear. Please read the translation of lyrics to fully appreciate JH’s artistry.
