Guarded: careful, cautious, prudent, restrained, or noncommittal.
When you have been hurt so deep that the only option you see fit is to put up a wall and shut everyone out; that is when you become guarded. You have been burned by people one too many times, you have a fear of rejection, or maybe you had a rough past and the only way to deal is to keep everyone away.
Relationships start to reach a certain level and you bolt as far as you can. You don't want anything too serious. Your natural response is to walk away. Friendships become deeper and you shut all emotion off. People stick around and show you that they care, but all you can do is keep them at bay. They pour their hearts out to you and you only give them surface level thoughts and feelings. Soon enough everyone is gone and you have no one to blame but yourself. You pushed them away, shut them out, and made sure they didn't get too close. But why?
It's instinct and it's comfortable to turn people away. You have been doing it for so long that soon you don't even hesitate to shut off anything you feel for someone deeply. You are careful who you choose to get to know. You are the definition of "commitment issues" and everyone knows it. It can be the EASIEST thing in the world... why keep people around if they might only end up hurting you or leaving? Well, at the time it makes sense -- so it is exactly what you do. This doesn't mean that you are cold or bitter, or that you hate people and have no compassion. It doesn't make you an ice queen with no heart, it just means you have a difficult time being vulnerable.
You can't help it... it is like this alarm going off in your head telling you to shut down and back away. You sabotage the beginning of relationships and friendships as soon as you start to feel comfortable around them. There may be some people that you needed out of your life to ensure a positive life. But, at some point, you will look back and wish you wouldn't have pushed everyone away. There some people that you were once close to that are no longer around. You pushed them away when things got rough and now you don’t know how to go about getting them back in your life.
So this is an "I'M SORRY" to all the people that have been walked away from and shut out. It isn't personal, it just seems right and feels safe - like an automatic response. Opening up isn't easy and letting you inside my head and baring my soul, that is almost impossible. So please, don't give up on me yet.
