Trigger Warning: This personal account contains anecdotes that may be triggering to individuals living with or recovering from an eating disorder. Please take caution.
I remember when I first met ED. I don't know how I met him and I don't know why, but when I met him, he was deceivingly charming. He told me that he loved how I was a perfectionist, and that if I got with him, he would make me the best athlete I could possibly be, which at the time, was all I ever wanted.
When I first met ED, he was in disguise. He seemed like a nice guy. He told me to eat lots of fruits and vegetables. I listened, as how could I deny increasing my daily intake of fruits and vegetables? Once he saw that I was following this advice, he realized that I was under his command, and began to gradually whisper more and more thoughts and ideas to me.
He told me to start gradually cutting out foods from my diet that he told me I didn't need. Leave out a piece of toast here, a serving of mashed potatoes there. Replace it with vegetables. Replace everything with vegetables.
I began to wonder why I was becoming tired. Why I couldn't bench press as much as I used to or run as far without feeling faint. He told me to suck it up. When I tried to sneak behind his back, and attempt to eat something more than what he allowed me to, he would immediately call me out on it, and demand me to put it down.
There became a point when I listened to ED so much that I lost a lot of weight, and my parents began to notice. ED told me to convince my parents that I was fine, and the truth is, he began to convince me that I was fine.
I was not fine. I had lost nearly twenty pounds (despite already being on the thin side). I was constantly freezing, no matter how many layers I was wearing. One time a boy at school asked me why my lips were purple, even though I was inside wearing my winter coat and a scarf. My head was consumed with thoughts that distracted me from being fully present with my family, friends or school. I heard people at school talking about how thin I looked. I would purposefully avoid social events, such as team pasta dinners or pizza parties, due to the fear of potentially having to eat food. ED told me I was fine and comforted me in a sick and degrading way.
Despite the fact that my body was quite literally beginning to shut down, I began to resent the people that cared about me. The people that were trying to save my life. From my parents, to my siblings, to my friends, to the three different medical specialists I was seeing, I felt as though everyone was against me, and ED reassured me that they were, and to listen to him and not them.
Even though loved ones were trying to save my life, ED told me to keep fighting. There came a point where I did not even want to fight anymore. It was exhausting, and I just wanted my life to be normal again, but ED threatened me and forced me to keep fighting. He forced me to throw out my lunch at school and to do ab workouts in my room before I went to bed.
It took a very long time for me to stop listening to ED. There came a point in time, after lots of treatment, love and counseling, when I realized that I wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to be able to do fun things with my family and friends without worrying about food. I wanted to stop going to doctors’ appointments three times per week. I wanted to be able to do the things I love doing without losing weight. I wanted to get the voice of ED out of my head. I wanted to recover.
It took nearly three years for ED to finally leave my head. It took a lot of encouragement from the people who love me and a lot of willpower and trust in myself. Breaking up with ED was by far the most difficult challenge I have ever faced in my life. But ED no longer controls me.
Eating disorders are mental illnesses- something that in general, people do not understand about them. Eating disorders are a disease. Just like you couldn't simply tell yourself to get rid of a common cold, you can't tell yourself to just snap out of an eating disorder. Just like illnesses of the body, illnesses of the mind take time and treatment to heal.
Just like you would express your concern to your friends and loved ones if you noticed they had a physical ailment, you should express your concern to your friends and loved ones if you are concerned that they might be suffering from an eating disorder. While approaching someone can be uncomfortable, it could save their life. If you think that someone you know may be suffering from an eating disorder, say something. Call the Eating Disorder Helpline at 1-800-931-2237, or visit http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org for information on how to seek help.
