You ever feel trapped in this persona that is expected of you all the time? I am drowning in an ocean polluted by the very people I have grown up with my whole life. You make a move of difference and everyone puts on a mask so that you can not recognize them. You can not bring them into the unknown with you, so you are standing alone.

"Carissa, you are going to go somewhere else. You won't know anyone, but you can just make you some new friends. The kids are going to look different from you, but that's okay. You always remember to love yourself."

I never questioned it. I knew that out of everyone on this earth my momma was the reason I am living and breathing. She was so tough. Nothing could break her down, and I hoped that everything she did for me would build me up to be like her when I was a woman. This, she never prepared me for. The suffering, the heart aches, the loneliness. It was never in her description of what this new school would be like. Why didn't she prepare me?

You ever drowned continuously, but it is so frustrating because you never die. You never receive that sweet peace that comes just over the horizon as the sun rises. The only thing you get is the realization that life is cruel, especially when you have been raised to never follow the crowd. Never be anyone but yourself, because you are the only one who knows how to be you. I wish that wasn't true. I'd give all the money in the world to be able to find someone who could be me better than me. We could trade places and hopefully I could witness what relief feels like.

'Weirdo.'

'Why do you go here? Huh? Huh?'

'Why does your hair do that?'

'What? You too broke to buy a comb?'

'Looks like it's about to rain. I hope you don't drown, all those holes in your shoes.'

After every joke they would walk off laughing. It is just one hole. One damn hole. I always thought of my comebacks. Never said them. Why stir up more trouble than I already had? I was outnumbered, outcasted, and unloved. You learn to live with it, when you know if you back out now you would become just another statistic like the other kids in the neighborhood. My neighborhood, where every kid goes to the neighborhood school. Where they get the same low class education that keeps them at the same level. Every kid but me.

When insults are thrown your way, you learn to dodge them without ducking. You let each one build onto your character and you pay those bastards back for trying to tear down a perfectly standing building.

There was never a day I wished that I could change my appearance. Every part of my almond colored skin was something I would treasure because I would never look like my predators. The ones that seek to take me down because they know they are more powerful and are hungry for something weak. Every kink in my hair was tough, like my heart. The fight to brush my hair showed the fight inside me to show that I beat the odds of what they want to see as perfect. My brown eyes showed peace. I had built a chocolate wall that kept them from seeing fear or any other emotion that could give them strength. My big lips, wide nose, all a representation that I have a big mouth to use when I feel is necessary, and although it is big I can control it and my nose is wide enough to sniff out how much my predator actually fears me.

I had never had a problem with how I looked. But why could they not except me? I stepped with one foot in front of the other. I spoke clearly and precisely. I wrote on my paper from left to right. I had to blink my eyes every once in a while. I got sick, angry, sad, happy, depressed. I had feelings. I could hurt more than physically. I had two ears, two eyes, one nose, a mouth, and one head that sat high on my shoulders. My brain functioned fine. Highest grades in my class but I was not recognized for it by anyone but my mother. All because my skin screamed and portrayed a different color.

My problems never stopped at school though. You go home and none of the other kids wanted to play with me because they said I thought I was better than them. I was too good to learn with them, so why should they allow me to play with them? Honestly, if they could bring themselves to make those accusations about me, then quite frankly they could keep every game in the world. Because clearly if I thought I was better than them, I would not be trying to be their friend.

My life soon came to be consisted of school, home, and church. No one likes difference. You start to fit in nowhere. There are days you wonder why the very people you are closest to turn their backs and act as if you were never there. These are not my choices I wanted to scream. I am only doing what my mother thinks is best for me. Damn it.

She is the reason I have no friends.

She is the reason no one loves me. No one wants to care for me.

Yet, she is the one that was there from the beginning. How can you hate your only friend? She puts you through that suffering but it is for your greater good. You would not understand the pain of walking alone when so many people are around walking with you. To know that in a place where society says you belong, you stick out like a sore thumb.

I have never been one for apologizing, but...

I'm sorry that I could not just be another statistic.

I'm sorry that I ever thought I could change my place in society.

I'm sorry that I brought so much strife to those that just wanted to live peacefully.

I'm sorry that I had to break free from my restrictions.

I'm sorry that my skin does not match the color of my predator.

I'm sorry that I thought I could be different and still be loved.

I'm sorry that I wanted to be stronger than was allowed.

And I am sorry that I would rather follow myself than the crowd.

But most importantly, I am sorry that I regret none of it.