Almost everyone will find themselves at a point in life where they have to write something — something that will be graded, something important, perhaps even something that will be the difference between life and death. There is an unavoidable fate that awaits all those who find themselves in such a situation, whether they are a great author who has penned many a masterpiece or a third-grade boy whose only voluntary work is the warning sign on his bedroom door.

One moment, you are happily gazing out the window listening to the birds singing and daydreaming about fantastic, creative ways of solving the world’s problems. You sip hot chocolate and stroke the purring cat on your lap as you fine tune in your head the plans for a machine that makes waffles out of dust and ends the world's hunger. Then suddenly, you get a writing assignment. The birds stop singing, your hot chocolate turns into cold chocolate, you lose your train of thought and forget about waffles, you can’t concentrate, and your brain has stopped working. The cat, being a cat and oblivious to anybody else’s problems, continues to purr on your lap.

This common ailment is commonly known as writer’s block but is more accurately called The Greatest Affliction of Mankind, because it is a complete mental breakdown that affects everyone, writer or not, who tries to put pencil to paper. When faced with writer’s block, it is tempting to give up and shrivel into an undetectable ball. Unfortunately, this sickness affects the brain, which, as everybody knows, is essential for survival; therefore, if you wish to live, it is absolutely essential that you face this enemy head on.

There are many tried and true methods to fight writer’s block, depending on what medium you are using. The first method most often employed is repeatedly beating your head against things. The concept behind this is either to shake all the ideas that have fled into the subconscious back to the front of the mind or to somehow use pain to stimulate new ones. The ideal surface is, of course, a wall, but there are plenty of other choices, such as the table, floor, oven, tree, computer, and, as desperate times call for desperate measures, if all else fails, the cat.

Of course, since writer's block is a sign of a dysfunctional brain, there is the risk that your brain does not work properly and causes throbbing headaches that will not help you come up with good ideas the way it normally should. Never fear, however, there are always other solutions.

If you are using a pen or pencil, simply write the first sentence that comes to mind, preferably a cliché one, such as “It was a dark and stormy night.” Then, vehemently scratch it out and scribble on the rest of the page. After you have approximately two-thirds of the page filled, crumple the page into the tightest ball you can make then toss it into the trash can. Repeat this several times until the wastebasket is overflowing, then throw them into a cardboard box and give your homemade ball pit to the cat as a peace offering.

If you are using your laptop, just let your fingers loose and type gibberish like so:

kshdfa jdlfh; safjlks djfklajfl sdjfla hdfsjdh fjkshfshfkshd kfhsjkfk shfks hkfsak sahdfkh skdhf hdfjkh shfkjsdhfkj ahfj sfhk sfhkjs kahf kjsj kjjhfkjs hk ak hfkas ks kjfhs kskf sjhf skj fkjf hdsfh kjs fhlhfkjfsjf al fjdslfjla fjsdlfj aldjflafjsdlfj ejrejolafjlsdjfal fjlsdjflajdflsajflajfdlsf lsjflsjflsjalj.

Then, after you have filled several pages, hit backspace key and time how long it takes to delete.

If even this does not work, you will have to try some more obscure, less conventional method. One such technique is to simply write about what is happening around you, for example:

The fly buzzes on the wall. The cat sleeps on the cat stand. The fly buzzes nearer. The cat sleeps. The fly lands on the cat’s nose. The cat jumps 12 feet in the air and falls in the ball pit. Paper is everywhere.

Then write about your opinion on the matter:

That was a dumb cat to be scared by the fly. I don’t feel sorry for that cat, she doesn’t have to write anything. I have to write. Come to think of it, the fly doesn’t have to write anything either.

Now combine the two and write a poem (it doesn’t have to make sense):

Ode to the Cat and the Fly

Oh fly, why you must disturb me

With those noisy transparent wings?

At least the little kitty cat goes to sleep

Before she sings

This poem is an ode to you

To change the kitty’s plight

Because I cannot think

Of anything else to write

This method works beautifully if you are supposed to be writing poetry. And, even if you were supposed to be coming up with instructions on how to build a nuclear reactor, it can be helpful in getting the words to begin flowing.

However, there does come a time when even these methods prove futile. A time when although you have banged your head out of shape, crumpled every paper in the house, jammed the keyboard on the computer, and scribbled irrelevant poetry on the walls, but you still are unable to come up with anything. When you have finally reached this stage, I am afraid there is only one possible thing left to do: get someone else to write it for you.