Tinder is a scary world full of guys holding fish, shirtless, or guys posed with guns or cars. Absolutely terrifying. But we all wonder. We all ponder what it is like to talk to someone online and maybe, possibly, meet them. Unfortunately, it is nothing like the movies depict it. There is no love at first sight, but there are dates that are horrifying, embarrassing, and hilarious to talk about after the fact.
1. Not everyone runs on Dunkin’
He wanted to meet me randomly on a Tuesday at eight o'clock at night at Dunkin Donuts. I was small and naive and excited, so of course, I said yes. I met him there, looking like an absolute wreck. I’d been through a day’s work and it showed. I also had been dissecting a baby pig in school, which leads to some unpleasant smells lingering in my clothes. I order the wrong drink and sat down awkwardly.
Oh no. I can’t even look at him, let alone make clever conversation. It was thirty minutes of torture in which I burned my tongue on a drink I didn’t want, I said embarrassing lines such as “Sorry if I smell like formaldehyde, I know it’s a real mood killer,” and “that’s a really nice donut,” (a comment I made on a donut painted on the wall just to the left of his head.) I couldn’t look him in the eyes and he noticed. He never talked to me again.
2. “Not even gonna kiss me?”
I knew I shouldn’t have gone to the movie theater for a first date with a guy I never met, but I did anyway. I looked cute, I found the small theater that was hidden inside of the mall, and I met him. He didn’t even notice me when he came in and paid for his ticket.
Once he said hello I noticed he looked like he just rolled out of bed, and he smelled as if he hadn’t bathed in a while. His hair was tousled in the “I just woke up like this” way, but he probably did. He had a scab on his hand that had pus and infection around it. It was the same hand that tried to hold mine in the theater.
He forced me to hold his hand. He tried to wrap his arm around me, but I didn’t know him. I refused, and he tried to guilt me into it. I didn’t want to be near him, let alone touch him. I was terrified that something horrible would happen after the movie. Once the movie was over, he tried to lead me to his car, but I kept us in the lobby where there were witnesses.
We talked awkwardly about my sex life and how he “had sex with so many women that he didn’t really care about their bodies.” Yuck. Then I came up with the brilliant plan to lie about a curfew my parents were imposing. I called my step-dad and fake asked him if I could stay out later, hoping he would tell me to come home.
He was so confused that I had to pretend to have an argument with him. Acting skills on point. As we departed he said “What, not even a kiss?” I was so flabbergasted. We parted with two weird handshakes, and I held my keys between my fingers as defense in case he followed me.
3. “This one’s for you, D…”
My friend wanted to contribute one of her tinder nightmares. She grabbed a sandwich before class with him, which is no pressure, and she is much better at talking than I am. He was already eating when she got there, and she jokingly asked: “Should we shake hands?”
Blank-faced he responded, “No, that’s weird.” They began to talk on Tinder some more, and he was very mean and dominant. He came to her dorm and couldn’t “keep it up.” Bummer. This resulted in some uncomfortable rug burn on her knees, making practice terrible.
A week later, he brags about a date he is going on to my friend. While she is at a party, him and his new date are drunk and snapchatting her videos of them bumping uglies. So my friend shows everyone at the party. Even days after, it continued, and it went from being funny to really, really weird. Needless to say, he is blocked.
