I get dreadfully frustrated when thinking about time.
“You only have this long until you need to have your paperwork in, this long until you need another job, this long until your next deadline, and this long until they are going to send you home for three months with no way of seeing those you care for.”
Deadlines, time limits and expectations constantly nudge at me and remind me of how incredibly busy I am. At times, I feel like a child who was brutally thrown into an adult world and told to survive, but without any pre-training or warning.
“Ah, you need a car to get to work? Well, tough luck. You need a job to get and maintain that car. Oh, you want a job? Well, too bad for you.You need previous experience to get that job.” It’s a vicious cycle of which I have been thrown into. It is a mystery trying to solve this maze of careers, homes and debt. It seems like there is only one path, and I keep going down all the ways that come to a dead end.
Time. Time. Too much time where I don’t want it. Time. Time. Not enough time where I need it. Do others not see this struggle as I do? Or are they simply better at hiding the conflict? How better their management must be than mine for I feel overwhelmed in a torrent of ‘too much.’
Introspectively, I see a will, hustling to keep up with the business of my new society. The torture isn’t in the work as much as it is the lack of rest and knowing. I’m navigating through these storms without a compass or map. How the others find their way is far beyond my scope of reason. Where do they buy their instruction manuals to know the steps they are to take or the decisions they are to make?
Get up early. Go to classes. Go to work. Do your homework. Get some reading and writing done. Go to bed. Repeat. Over and over again, it’s the never ending monotony of being old enough to be on your own, but too young to know your place.
Payment isn’t made for all the hours of preparation effort made in hopes of a future. I’m told it will all pay off in the end, but I am incapable of seeing a light at the end of this dreary, morbid tunnel.
Take their word for it? The words of those who provide no guidance. It’s irony my only hope should come from those I envy. Those ones who’ve found the path and are now set in their ways. They make it seem so simple while I can’t even manage to schedule in an hour nap.
Forget about hobbies. My job will have to be my hobby because I don’t have the extra time to spare. Time is no longer governed by my wants and needs for it has been overrun by social norms and the need to stay afloat in a modern world.
Time is no longer on my side and has rejected me entirely. I’m grasping for answers like a person drowning gasps for air. How much longer can I hold on? How much longer do I have, to find my way? Time is no longer on my side.
