Thoughts Running Wild
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Thoughts Running Wild

Its okay not to be okay.

Thoughts Running Wild

Ever have those days where the thoughts in your head scare you enough to want to escape not just mentally but physically too? Don't freak out just listen to me for once. It all had to start from somewhere and I'm trying to push through somehow.

Wow if I told my mom this one she would laugh it off and make that side remark of 'did you take your pill today?' or 'Maybe you should get out of that shell of yours a little more often.'

Believe it or not I had a circle of friends who I believed were REALLY TRULY my friends. One time, two years ago, I had a man in my life who I thought was giving me the world. I was taking my 'crazy pill' back then too. Back in 2013, I had plans to go off to college and become a Radiologist in the Oncology field because I was bound and determined to make a difference in the world after watching my grandmother suffer from the nasty C word. Anxiety and depression set in. Self-harm set in. Dark thoughts and actions pursued. I was away from home. Hiding in my apartment closet with a belt around my neck crying to God to end the thoughts in my mind. To just take me HOME.

Do you know how many times I have deleted and retyped that last paragraph because of fear?

I won't delete it now. You have got to know where I came from. Maybe it was the flashbacks of the parental fights I witnessed. Or the bullying that started my 6th grade year at school when I had to up and move schools suddenly. My mom made me talk to counselor after counselor in hopes that that could help. It just made it all worse if we are being honest. That time in 10th grade where I hated everything about life, somehow made it to school without driving my car into a tree. Which is what my mind wanted me to do more times than I can count. When the group of upper classmen girls came by my locker slamming it shut screaming SKANK for the entire hall to hear. I was alone. Yes, I had "friends" but I was alone. No one understood what was happening to me inside. I was scared beyond belief and had nowhere to turn because no one truly got it. I'm still scared if we are being honest.

My thoughts are everywhere right now. Nothing is in order on this page.

I'm turning 25 this year with nothing to account for.

I didn't pursue that degree in Radiology because I got discouraged after having taken biology twice just to try and get into the Program. I just took it as a sign it wasn't for me. Moved back home where I went back into my shell again. Now I'm a Teacher where some think of me as a babysitter while others look at me as a world changer. What a pedestal to be on am I right? Under paid and always feeling unworthy of a job that I feel is well done. Continued seeing a therapist where she made me feel my thoughts were just make believe. Stopped seeing a therapist. I'm still living with my parents of which believe I'll never find love. My brother thinks I'll be the adult that lives with their parents until I am 40. But I'm trying. Do they know that?

The friends I thought I had, flaked and gave excuses as to why we couldn't hang out so I just stopped going around all together. I stopped communication because I knew I could no longer be part of the friend group and feel like I was a part of it when there. I broke it off with the guy I thought was the one because of how it all started. When in the end, he was the narcissistic person that everyone warns you about. He cheated. He lied. He manipulated. He played mind games. I was on my 'crazy pill' and he still managed to convince me I was the problem. Maybe I was now that I type this. But I don't want love anymore after that one. I want alone. I want secluded. I feel safe that way. No one can hurt me. Or can they?

Your words hurt. The whispers hurt. The false hopes and promises broke me. The fear built the wall that now blocks me off from how my life once was.

You wouldn't understand me or where I'm coming from if you haven't gone up against the fight with Anxeity and Depression yourself.

You still want me in your life after reading this? Who am I kidding you're reading this now thinking "I will never look at her the same. That psycho".

I keep going. Even when it hurts. Even when the thoughts of self-harm outweigh the thoughts of "you are enough."

I have two people that would miss me. Well two children and I guess that's just enough to keep my crazy ass around on this world just one more day.

Signing off.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

100 Reasons to Choose Happiness

Happy Moments to Brighten Your Day!

A man with a white beard and mustache wearing a hat

As any other person on this planet, it sometimes can be hard to find the good in things. However, as I have always tried my hardest to find happiness in any and every moment and just generally always try to find the best in every situation, I have realized that your own happiness is much more important than people often think. Finding the good in any situation can help you to find happiness in some of the simplest and unexpected places.

Keep Reading...Show less

Remember The True Meaning of Christmas

“Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?”

A painting of the virgin Mary, the baby Jesus, and the wise men

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year. Christmastime is a celebration, but have we forgotten what we are supposed to be celebrating? There is a reason the holiday is called Christmas. Not presentmas. Not Santamas. Not Swiftmas. Christmas.

boy standing in front of man wearing santa claus costume Photo by __ drz __ on Unsplash

What many people forget is that there is no Christmas without Christ. Not only is this a time to spend with your family and loved ones, it is a time to reflect on the blessings we have gotten from Jesus. After all, it is His birthday.

Keep Reading...Show less
Golden retriever sat on the sand with ocean in the background
Photo by Justin Aikin on Unsplash

Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore my dog. I am constantly talking about my love for her. I attribute many of my dog's amazing qualities to her breed. She is a purebred Golden Retriever, and because of this I am a self-proclaimed expert on why these are the best pets a family could have. Here are 11 reasons why Goldens are the undisputed best dog breed in the world.

Keep Reading...Show less

Boyfriend's Christmas Wishlist: 23 Best Gift Ideas for Her

Here are the gifts I would like to ask my boyfriend for to make this season unforgettable.

Young woman opening a Christmas gift

Recently, an article on Total Sorority Move called 23 Things My Boyfriend Better Not Get Me For Christmas, was going around on social media. I hope the author of this was kidding or using digital sarcasm, but I am still repulsed and shocked by the lack of appreciation throughout this article. I would like to represent the girlfriends out there who disagree with her standpoint -- the girlfriends who would be more than happy to receive any of these gifts from their boyfriends.

Keep Reading...Show less
Two teenage girls smiling

The 2000s were a time that many young adults today can look back on, joyfully reminisce and somewhat cringe at the trends and the fads that we all used to love and adore. Here's a list of things from the golden 2000s that will have one feeling nostalgic about all of those times.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments