Ever have those days where the thoughts in your head scare you enough to want to escape not just mentally but physically too? Don't freak out just listen to me for once. It all had to start from somewhere and I'm trying to push through somehow.
Wow if I told my mom this one she would laugh it off and make that side remark of 'did you take your pill today?' or 'Maybe you should get out of that shell of yours a little more often.'
Believe it or not I had a circle of friends who I believed were REALLY TRULY my friends. One time, two years ago, I had a man in my life who I thought was giving me the world. I was taking my 'crazy pill' back then too. Back in 2013, I had plans to go off to college and become a Radiologist in the Oncology field because I was bound and determined to make a difference in the world after watching my grandmother suffer from the nasty C word. Anxiety and depression set in. Self-harm set in. Dark thoughts and actions pursued. I was away from home. Hiding in my apartment closet with a belt around my neck crying to God to end the thoughts in my mind. To just take me HOME.
Do you know how many times I have deleted and retyped that last paragraph because of fear?
I won't delete it now. You have got to know where I came from. Maybe it was the flashbacks of the parental fights I witnessed. Or the bullying that started my 6th grade year at school when I had to up and move schools suddenly. My mom made me talk to counselor after counselor in hopes that that could help. It just made it all worse if we are being honest. That time in 10th grade where I hated everything about life, somehow made it to school without driving my car into a tree. Which is what my mind wanted me to do more times than I can count. When the group of upper classmen girls came by my locker slamming it shut screaming SKANK for the entire hall to hear. I was alone. Yes, I had "friends" but I was alone. No one understood what was happening to me inside. I was scared beyond belief and had nowhere to turn because no one truly got it. I'm still scared if we are being honest.
My thoughts are everywhere right now. Nothing is in order on this page.
I'm turning 25 this year with nothing to account for.
I didn't pursue that degree in Radiology because I got discouraged after having taken biology twice just to try and get into the Program. I just took it as a sign it wasn't for me. Moved back home where I went back into my shell again. Now I'm a Teacher where some think of me as a babysitter while others look at me as a world changer. What a pedestal to be on am I right? Under paid and always feeling unworthy of a job that I feel is well done. Continued seeing a therapist where she made me feel my thoughts were just make believe. Stopped seeing a therapist. I'm still living with my parents of which believe I'll never find love. My brother thinks I'll be the adult that lives with their parents until I am 40. But I'm trying. Do they know that?
The friends I thought I had, flaked and gave excuses as to why we couldn't hang out so I just stopped going around all together. I stopped communication because I knew I could no longer be part of the friend group and feel like I was a part of it when there. I broke it off with the guy I thought was the one because of how it all started. When in the end, he was the narcissistic person that everyone warns you about. He cheated. He lied. He manipulated. He played mind games. I was on my 'crazy pill' and he still managed to convince me I was the problem. Maybe I was now that I type this. But I don't want love anymore after that one. I want alone. I want secluded. I feel safe that way. No one can hurt me. Or can they?
Your words hurt. The whispers hurt. The false hopes and promises broke me. The fear built the wall that now blocks me off from how my life once was.
You wouldn't understand me or where I'm coming from if you haven't gone up against the fight with Anxeity and Depression yourself.
You still want me in your life after reading this? Who am I kidding you're reading this now thinking "I will never look at her the same. That psycho".
I keep going. Even when it hurts. Even when the thoughts of self-harm outweigh the thoughts of "you are enough."
I have two people that would miss me. Well two children and I guess that's just enough to keep my crazy ass around on this world just one more day.
Signing off.
