Entry 1;
- I'm the person that people can easily open up too. I'm the person that can be any and everyone's friend. I listen to people when they talk and I try to help them the best that I can.
I'm told I'm beautiful and hilarious and I don't need to change a single thing. But the thing is people don't see everything. They only see what's on the outside, what you choose to show of yourself.
No one knows everything about someone, no one knows the thoughts that go through people's heads. Someone can talk your ear off about themselves, all of their secrets and fears, and you still wouldn't know everything. There are thoughts that just randomly come to mind that no one talks about, thoughts that no one wants to share with the world. Maybe its too sad, or embarrassing, or whatever, they're still not brought out into the world.
Now, if I'm being completely honest, I do not live my life as the person you see on the outside. On the inside I'm a girl who wears fashionable clothing and is comfy and cute wearing sweats with some hot chocolate in the Fall. I'm the girl that can wear messy buns and they're more pretty than messy. I'm the girl who has an inner girl that's controlling my body. There is a girl inside of me who is 5'4", long brown hair, slim body, great jaw lines, beautiful straight white teeth. She works out regularly and is very active. She eats well and enjoy the company of friends and family. She has a great job and is going to school full time.
This girl has to live inside of someone who weighs 300 pounds, has cellulite and body rolls and doesn't drag ass to the gym. Someone who doesn't go out, the one that stays home and does shitty work out routines that do nothing. The gym is a sometimes thing, not nearly as much as would be appreciated. She's living inside of someone who's sometimes too afraid to ask a simple question. Inside someone who will contemplate asking for 10 minutes, causing herself to be late because she couldn't just ask the goddamn question. She is living inside of a girl who is the complete opposite and is holding her back.
I am trapped inside someone who is not me. I am not my body, I am not my weight, or my insecurities and faults. I am someone who loves her friends and family. I am someone who has compassion and understanding and not many people care about those things unless you're the definition of perfection.
I CARE about too many people and too many things, and people look over that because of how I look on the outside. People will purposefully not sit with me, because of how I look. No one wants to sit with the fat girl. No one wants to make a friend with someone who's twice or even three times their size.
I am sincerely one of the nicest and funniest people anyone could know, and so many people miss out because of their own arrogance.
I walk by people on a daily basis and wonder what they think of me. What's going on in their heads.
Sometimes I'll change my outfit or overthink it for 45 minutes, because something was too tight or made me look too fat.
I'm constantly going over in my head all of the things that I should be doing to make myself better and I can never bring myself to actually committing to it.
I can't commit to anything but food. -
Thoughts of the fat girl, that's me.
