How many conversations have we had that begin with these six words?
“If I were you, I would major in ___.”
“If I were you, I would break up with him.”
“If I were you, I would go to this school.”
“If I were you, I would tell them this.”
“If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“If I were you, I would…”
I have said the phrase, “If I were you, I would…” too many times to count. When speaking with friends who are in the process of making difficult decisions, we often attempt to empathize with them by looking at their situation from our own perspective, telling them how we would respond if we found ourselves in their position.
This isn’t empathy.
When we listen to the problems and struggles of the ones we love and attempt to bring ourselves into the situation, the focus of the discussion shifts to ourselves. How frustrating is it when we open up to someone we’re close to, expecting them to listen to us, but they end up shifting the conversation to revolve around them?
Well, in starting sentences with the phrase, “If I were you,” that’s exactly what we are doing.
I’m very guilty of using variations of this phrase when offering advice to friends in situations I can only imagine myself in. In saying this, my intentions are never to focus a conversation on myself. I’m attempting to offer advice by sharing my perspective on how I would handle the situation. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing if the person asks what you would do if you were in their situation.
But that’s just the thing: we’re not. We may have found ourselves in similar situations, but we will never know the thoughts that are going through a friend’s mind in the moments they are hurting. Likewise, we cannot enter their minds and force them to think in the same way that we do.
We can’t walk a mile in somebody else’s shoes and expect them to form to our own feet. Stepping in another’s shoes isn’t supposed to be easy. It can be unusual, uncomfortable, and even painful. I believe that’s why we’re so inclined to empathize with somebody from our own point of view. It’s a mindset that is natural and comfortable to us, so we anticipate that our thought process will appear natural and comfortable to them. We don’t put forth the effort to feel and understand their pain.
One thing I’ve learned over this past year is that people may not always want advice. More often than not, they just want someone to listen. They want someone who will listen to understand, not to respond.
We’re human. We get hurt daily, and we are faced with many important decisions throughout our lives. But in the end, these decisions are ours and ours alone. We can’t live our lives through somebody else, and we can’t let our lives be lived by anyone other than ourselves. We are capable of choosing how we handle difficult situations, whether the advice we take is someone else’s or our own.
No more will I give advice by saying, "If I were you..." Only you are you, and only I am me. Make the best decision for you and you alone. We only get one life. Wouldn't it be a shame to spend it living someone else's?
