I got into my first "real" relationship the summer before my sophomore year of high school. As we were walking together, a friend of mine approached us and said, "You know you guys are going to break up, right?"
In the awkwardness that followed, deep down, I knew he was right. It's unpleasant to consider, but with every relationship you either break up or get married. That's just the truth.
"So am I really in love?"
That is the question, I suppose, that all people are afraid of answering. To affirm this proposal is an acknowledgment of weakness, of vulnerability--the signing of a metaphorical contract that gives up a little bit of your autonomy and places it into the hands of another. It's a bit terrifying, honestly, to be "in love." To live your life with the knowledge that you're dependent, in a way, on another for happiness, and that by being in that position, you're letting a bit of yourself go. I think that's why I've tended to avoid intimacy and commitment; the very thought of a relationship sends a slight pang of anxiety through my body, and most of the relationships (every relationship) I've been in resulted in me ending it for one reason or another. Consequently, I often find myself ruminating on what was and what could have been. Did I make the right decision? Or was I just trying to escape?
Cue my long single relationship status, the incessant periods of intense loneliness. Questioning my self-worth. Doing reckless things just to fill that gaping hole.
But now, here I am: older, more mature, wiser, and ironically, right in the type of relationship I too often cut short, feeling, I think, the very thing I'm afraid of feeling.
Here I am in the company of someone with whom I can have a conversation with for hours on end without ever getting tired. A person who’s sweet, kind, and caring. Someone I absolutely adore. Someone who makes me happy. Someone I feel content with.
Aren't I too young to know what love is? I, with my limited experience in the field, can't possibly know what I'm talking about!
But, for a moment, let's suppose I do. Suppose this is the one, suppose this transcends distance, transcends time. Suppose I have really, truly found love.
That's just it, isn't it? Fear holds us back. If we want to be happy we must learn to take our loved one's hand and trudge through the great uncertainty towards...
I'm not sure I'll know for sure what this is until it comes to an end. Not until I feel my body numbing and my heart hurting will I truly know what I had. But regardless of what happens, for now, I can say with utmost certainty that it feels absolutely, positively amazing to be in love.
