We're getting down to the time when these debates actually matter. Bernie and Hilary, going at it, head to head, mono a mono. They both look like they'd fall down if you hit them with a plastic bat, but can certainly hold their own in a verbal sparring match. Here are some thoughts that emerged in the mind of me, a kind of informed voter, mostly paying attention.
1. Well this venue is just lovely. I have a good feeling about this.
2. Hearing Bernie talk about the water crisis in Flint kind of makes me feel like I'm being scolded. I know he's not addressing me directly, but I still feel like I should apologize.
3. One of Hilary's first comments was "Amen to that!" I think she should hire a person who prevents her from saying things of this nature.
4. "Hilary Clinton here in Flint, Michigan, just chillin' with my ho-"
"No! Bad Hilary! You will talk like an old white woman!" *sprays her with water*
5. I got excited when Hilary said, "it's raining men," but it tuns out she actually said "it's raining lead." Idea for a parody song? Or is it too soon?
6. Flint resident came up and started talking about how they can't use the water in their house to bathe, brush their teeth, clean vegetables, etc. I can't even imagine. I am staggered by how badly the government has failed these people.
7. "Maybe we should let Wall Street come in and run the city of Flint. Because we know their honesty and integrity has done so much for the American people." I'm surprised the force of Bernie's sarcasm didn't knock the glasses right off of Cooper's face.
8. The EPA knew that the water in Flint was bad and they didn't inform anyone? I thought EPA stood for Environmental Protection Agency, but maybe it stands for Evil People...Anonymous.
9. Another Flint resident. Her son stopped growing and her daughter started losing her hair. If I were one of the candidates I would just be like, "I'm so sorry. I know, sorry means nothing. We actually poisoned you. Here, have a million dollars."
10. Bernie just mentioned the story of a young girl who went from being bright and doing well in school to being in special education. This whole thing is starting to sound like a super-villain's evil plot. We don't need a new president. We need Batman.
11. Hilary: "Let's have some facts instead of rhetoric for a change." Holla. Put that on a bumper sticker.
12. Somebody needs to get both of them a cough drop. Bernie looks like the type you can always count on to have a cough drop. But he wouldn't call them cough drops; he'd call them "throat lozenges."
13. Every time Hilary soulessly laughs a puppy dies.
14. ...Maybe that's a little harsh. Maybe it's more like some milk goes bad.
15. Bernie: "Democrats are not always right." Is insulting your own party really the best strategy? I thought the generally accepted angle was to pretend that your group is infallible and the other one is evil incarnate. Is that not what we're doing?
16. Why is Anderson Cooper just standing at that little high-top table? Did they use up all their table budget on making Bernie look like a sprightly youth of 68?
17. Parents of Sandy Hook victims are suing Remington, which made the AR-15 that was used in the shooting. It seems like we're trying desperately to hold someone liable for these tragedies, but whose "fault" is it really? Is it possible to put a stop to gun violence without finding someone to blame? Or do we need to identify a bad guy here?
18. Bernie Sanders acknowledges what we were all thinking: he is an old, Caucasian man, aka the enemy.
19. Tries to compensate for this error of race and age with an anecdote about being arrested for not being racist.
20. Don Lemon: "What racial blind spots do you have?"
Hilary: "I hung out with inner-city youth as a teenager!"
Don Lemon: "No seriously, both of you. What racial blind spots do you have?"
Hilary: "Let's stop racism!"
21. I legitimately think they could’ve replaced Bernie Sanders with Larry David during the commercial break and maybe half of these people would notice.
22. Let’s be real. Anderson Cooper’s tie is really the star of the show. His glasses being a close second.
23. Don asked about the “superpredators.” Oops. It’s times like these when maybe it doesn’t pay to be a former first lady whose [ignorant] comments can be looked back at years later. My ignorant comments from years ago are all over my Facebook, but lucky for me, nobody cares.
24. I don’t know if Anderson Cooper has someone in charge of fixing his tie, but if he does, they are slacking.
25. Invention idea: a device that mutes the candidates’ voices when their time is up.
26. I just remembered that exists already. It’s called a blow horn. Other idea: introduce blow horns to the presidential debates.
27. Is this debate sponsored by Buzzfeed because they are talking an awful lot about the 90s.
28. Hilary standing up for our nation’s tunnels! I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about the tunnels.
29. Who came up with the word fracking? A 12-year-old?
30. Seriously, am I a child for laughing at Hilary saying, “There are places where fracking is going on that are not sufficiently regulated."
31. So now the government wants to regulated the way we frack? Is this America or communist China?
32. They controlled the fracking there and now they have a shortage of women on their hands.
33. Bernie says that he's talked to scientists who believe the earth's temperature might increase 5-10 degrees in the next decade. Sounds like a lost cause to me. Why isn't anyone running on a "let's give up here and go colonize Mars" platform?
34. Maybe there will even be some native peoples there we can kill and steal land from. We haven't had the chance to do that in a while.
35. There’s a guy in the background chewing gum like a cow. If you’re going to be right behind Anderson Cooper, I think it is your responsibility to chew gum like a grown-up.
36. Hilary just called out the Republicans for having less substance in their debates. Then Bernie cited them as a reason to invest more money into the mental health system. Then he licked his lips like the savage he is.
37. Anderson Cooper asked Hilary about how to take on Donald Trump and she got this excited, hungry look in her eye.
38. When the woman who asked about whether they thought God was relevant (a vague question with really only one answer) walked up, I thought she was going to offer them homemade cookies or a knit scarf.
39. Bernie's discussion of his Jewish heritage and the Holocaust gave me chills. The way this man speaks always seems like he's delivering an impassioned speech at the climax of a movie.
40. Maybe he's secretly only in his 40s, but keeping up that kind of energy for all these years has prematurely aged him.
41. But you don't see anyone asking to see his birth certificate.
42. My dad just commented on how much Hilary's [wo]mannerisms and responses remind him of watching Bill Clinton's debates. How do we know they're not the same person...? Maybe they took Bill's brain and put it in his wife's head. Or maybe his brain is a clone of hers? When are they going to answer the types of questions that are really important to the voters?
43. Am I the only one who feels like they should've high-fived at the end of this? I think that would've wrapped things up nicely. Though I'm not sure Bernie's little old arms could take it.
