Throughout Sunday, in the wake of the news on the shooting at the gay nightclub "Pulse" in Orlando, I tried (and failed) to work on my master's thesis. I remained gutted; I remained mute. I shared what I could, what I was in solidarity with. Later on, however, an action of one of my undergrad classmates inspired me (albeit to write on a different matter); they came out online. In the name of solidarity, in pride, in family, they came out. I was happy for them. They did what I never could, and I was happy for them.
I am someone who is closeted. I have chosen to stay closeted. Despite all evidence to the contrary, to the ideas that I shouldn't feel ashamed of being/staying closeted for my safety, I still feel like a coward because of it.
Coming out is a personal choice. That is undeniable. No one should feel leveled into coming out when they are uncomfortable with the idea. No one should risk safety in the name of any sort of pressure. Even so, I don't feel brave for staying quiet. The fact that I'm screaming my closeted-ness from the proverbial rooftops is beyond me. I wish that I could openly hold hands with the person I love and not agonize about being seen as "indecisive" or a "tease". I wish that I could openly come out, openly tell people about my authentic self, and not worry for my life. I wish that I could openly throw the Pride flag over my shoulders and happily race into the streets and not fear for the lives of my loved ones. All in all, though, I don't feel comfortable doing it, especially now.
Needless to say, the Orlando shooting has been a recent and important precursor for many closeted individuals to stay so, myself included. The victims, those who were shot down simply for existing, simply for being who they were - they were brave. They were powerful because they authentically lived their lives. The fact that someone barged into an LGBTQ+ sanctuary and opened fire on them with an assault rifle for living their lives is horrendous. Words fail to frame the extent of this tragedy, of its ramifications.
It's only been two days since the Orlando shooting, and already so many words have been typed. So many people furiously/tearfully/complacently/numbly stamped letters on their computers/phones/tablets/laptops, immediately connecting to open word documents and to audiences worldwide. Many are tired, angry, and weary, and for innumerable reasons. Causes, political agendas, expletives, and think-pieces rain down their hailed bulletins throughout social media, all asking their audiences to lend them their ears, their discerning eyes.
In the wake of a disaster, self-discovery, acceptance, support, and love weaves its way into news feeds. We all can only work and strive for the future in which love, and action in the name of love, prevails in the end.
