That could have been me. That seriously could have been me.

When terrible things happen in the world, we often take them at a surface value. Realistically, most of us don’t think about the most recent event for very long after we step away from the computer or television screen. Unless the event comes up in conversation by chance, most of the time it won’t stop us from living our lives and having a good day. A bombing in Paris? That’s terrible, but this isn’t Paris. Our lives aren’t as affected because it’s not real, and it’s not us, until it actually is. When the people involved are part of the community you belong to, the situation becomes almost too real to handle and suddenly having a good day isn’t so possible, because now your mind is racing and you’re thinking, ‘That could have been me.’

In the Orlando massacre, 50 people died and 53 were injured. In total, 103 people chose to go out and have a good night, and they were physically harmed. Every other person in the establishment was affected as well, and will carry that memory with them for their entire lives. To put it into perspective, imagine walking into work, or a party full of people that you know. These are all people that you have something in common with, whether it’s incredibly significant or not. Now imagine going to that same place with the same intentions as always, and 50 of them are dead. That’s what each and every person in attendance that night has experienced. Members of their own community were killed and others were injured, and none of them could have predicted that. Just picturing the phones of the deceased ringing nonstop as their loved ones try to reach them brings me to tears, knowing that this will change them forever, too.

I am gay. This is my community.

I was unprepared to come out of the closet, so the process was very abrupt. Most of the people in my school knew before my own parents did, but I never really even came out. Instead of actually coming out of the closet, it was more like I had changed closets so that now I was in one made of glass – people could see what I was, but I never had to actually say it. I was too afraid to. The idea of being vulnerable to judgement scared me, the stories that I heard on the news scared me, and my parents’ reinforcement of those stories’ severity scared me most of all. When I would tell someone that I was gay, or confirm the rumors that they’d apparently heard about me, I would explain my not being open as a matter of it being unnecessary; I would say that I don’t need someone to know that I’m gay so they can know me as a friend or coworker.

While that is true, it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. I do want people to accept me for who I am as a person and how I treat others, not because of my sexuality. However, I’m terrified of being open about my sexuality because not only could I lose opportunities to others’ prejudice, but I could have my life put in danger based on who I love. I don’t want to wake up one day and be dragged by a chain behind someone’s truck because they decided to target a gay man and I happened to be open to my community and the rest of the world. I don’t want to go to dinner somewhere and be threatened and mistreated because the owners are extremely homophobic, knowing that I’m gay because I’m open. I don’t want people to come after me or pick fights knowing that I’m gay, and expecting that to make me an easy target. Being LGBT does still come with the same consequences that it did decades ago, but they aren’t as predictable as they used to be.

In 2016, we’re in a time that is even more concerning than ever before because in the past, you would know what to expect. Coming out as LGBT meant ridicule and abuse without a doubt, but you were able to mentally and physically prepare yourself for all of that. You can catch a ball when you know it’s coming at you. Today, same-sex marriage is legal in the entire country, as well as many other countries throughout the world. Generally, people are accepting of LGBT people, so when something negative happens, it’s seemingly out of the blue. Someone being homophobic and aggressive is more unpredictable than ever, because the norm is to be accepting. I’ve come to be so used to acceptance, that when someone is even a little bit rude to me with regard to being gay, I’m shocked and appalled by it. When I more or less came out during my junior year of high school, I didn’t face abuse or ridicule. People knew who I was, and with that they knew that I wasn’t the type of person to throw my sexuality in anyone’s face. They were okay with it, and so from the beginning I had the feeling that everyone was okay with it. Even with that acceptance, the reality of the news and the mistreatment of LGBT people all over the country still scared me back behind closet doors.

One of the most unsettling things about the Orlando massacre is that the violence does not end there. From now until who knows when, everyone in attendance to LGBT pride events that are made to celebrate this identity, will be living in fear. They will be thinking to themselves, ‘Please, don’t let it happen to me, too.’ Most people look at a gay club or a pride parade as a lively, fun environment. They don't really think about the way that LGBT people feel when they go to the clubs and bars, which is completely safe. These are places that LGBT people are able to go and feel completely accepted, safe, and loved. They were completely blindsided. As a gay man in college, I either live at home or at school, both of which are places that most people know I’m gay. I now have a genuine fear for my safety, and everything about this event makes me want to hide away forever, never stepping out into the light of day again. We are being made to live in fear because now we know that everywhere we go something could happen to us, we just won’t see it coming.

I know that hiding away is not the answer, and I hope that the rest of the LGBT community understands that as well. Being silenced and afraid has never solved any problems because it can only dig a deeper hole. We need to stay together and support one another to get through this, and luckily we have the majority of our country in our corner. Our community is built on love and acceptance: two virtues that we will never lose.