Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could just change the course of time so you can go back and fix a mistake, go back to visit a loved one who may have passed, go back and stop a relationship so you can stop the hurt... that's all I've been thinking about.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. Did I make the right friends? Did I ever need to be in a relationship that I could never handle? Was I ready to start college, or was my choice of major the screw up in this situation?
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I could stop my parents from separating. Was it my fault that they're no longer together? If I had stopped them from getting together in the first place would I have even been born, and even if I wasn't would it have been worth it to keep my mother from hurting?
Sometimes I wonder who some people in my family are. Who was my brother? What caused my uncle to die so mysteriously, and could we have saved him from dying? Was I close with my one grandpa before he passed away?
People always say to live in the present, people tell me to stop worrying about tomorrow... but how can I live for tomorrow with my actions today if I'm still stuck in yesterday? The answer... I can't. I also know I can't go back and change anyone's actions, I can only alter my own for the present to change my outcome for the future.
Did I make the right friends? Yes and no, and for the no... I learned from my mistakes and got rid of the negativity in my life. Did I ever need to be in a relationship that I could never handle? Obviously not, but I thought I loved the guy. Maybe I still do, maybe I don't...all I know is it was too soon for me to have any relationships and I'm learning from it. Was I ready to start college, or was my choice of major the screw up in this situation? Yes I am ready, no it wasn't a mistake. I'm going to graduate and make something of myself and no matter how hard it may become I will seek for help and do everything I can to pass with flying colors to get the career I deserve.
Was if my fault that my parents are no longer together? NO! It is NEVER the child's fault unless the deliberately try to split the parents up. No child should be blamed or feel like they made a mistake in this kind of situation. If I had stopped them from getting together in the first place would I have been born, and even if I wasn't would it have been worth it to keep my mother from hurting? The first part to that question is who knows. Maybe I still would have been born and my mother would have met someone different, but my answer to the second one would be in a heart beat...but the past is history, and we can't change history.
Who was my brother? Based on stories my family has told me he was an energetic child. I would have loved to have met him. What caused my uncle to die so mysteriously, and could we have saved him from dying? This question can never be answered, but we have to look forward. Was I close with my one grandpa before he passed away? Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.
Some of these questions can be answered...and some are still lost with the rest of history. But I can tell you this, enjoy the time you have now for the present will one day become the past, and you will look back with all these "what if's" and "if only's." Make the present count...don't dread your past...like I do.
