We were left behind. We are the survivors. We are the ones who have to pick up the pieces after someone leaves us. Whether it be by their own hand, by the hand of someone else, or by the hand of God, we are left behind.
Each day you think, maybe today it will be less painful missing that person? Missing their voice, laugh, words of wisdom, or presence? For me, it was exactly one year ago my life changed forever and I lost my person. I lost the most important man in my life, my step-father, to his mental illness, to his bipolar disorder, to his suicide. One year later I still ask myself so many questions. Why didn't I call him that fateful day? Why didn't I express how much he meant to me on a regular basis? What could I have done to help him? And the truth is, I will never get these answers. Some think that I should not ask myself these questions since there was nothing I could do to stop him (even though I tried), but I think it is part of grieving.
It doesn't matter how someone leaves your life permanently. You will always have questions, reactions to triggers, and memories that flood your mind regularly. And that is okay. That is normal. I can't tell you how many times I have questioned my actions leading up to that day (too many to count), but I can tell you that every day since his death, all 365, I have lived in his memory. I have made new memories, had new adventures, moved to a new city, and so much more without him. Yes, I still am wondering how to do taxes and need some advice about my job on the regular, but rather than get sad that he's not there to tell me in person (it does happen, though), I instead think of what he would say to me. He would say, "Just (his nickname for me), go with your gut", or "your mom will help you with your taxes, don't worry". I think that is the weirdest/best part is that even though he isn't with me, I know I am the person I am today because of his love, guidance, and encouragement of all my dreams. I am his daughter.
We are left behind, but we cannot allow our loved one to be forgotten. Each day is a new day to live in the memory of the person we love. Each day can be a day where you change someone else's life based on your own experiences. You never know what someone is going through from the outside. Take the time to smile at someone, hold a door open, and live a positive life.
We are left behind, but rather than wallow in pain, sorrow, or questions live the life you wish your loved one could have lived.
