There used to be a time when people utilized their free hours to read books, knit scarves, and venture into nature. But, we millennials have found a far superior hobby that is even more popular than “Netflix and chill” and Instagram modeling: being offended.
A red coffee cup is offensive. Well, a coffee cup with snowflakes and a snowman is offensive too. You know what, all the holidays are offensive. If you don’t mind risking getting a brick thrown at your head, keep on telling strangers, “Merry Christmas.”
You know what else is offensive? Your Halloween costume of a banana. Some people can’t afford bananas. Some people don’t even know what a banana tastes like. Did you know that an indigenous group that lives on an island near the North Pole actually has a banana holiday? I didn’t think you did as you’re so consumed by your own privilege. The banana is sacrificed and stands for eternal peace. You just violated their entire culture by wearing a banana costume.
Hello, mothers, perhaps you should stop letting your kids watch the Teletubbies. We all think they are so innocent, but did you know that the creators of the Teletubbies have this secret evil plan to undermine fat people and turn their entire lives into jokes? Every single Teletubbie is indeed “tubby,” and does anyone take them seriously? No. What this show is trying to tell us is that we shouldn’t take fat people seriously. I can’t believe you couldn’t figure that out on your own. Ignorance.
Disney princesses are offensive. Finally, they decided to add an African- American princess. But you know what they didn’t do? They didn't add a vegan princess, they didn't add a gluten-free princess, and they didn't add a princess with a tree nut allergy. Having struggled with food allergies my whole life, I always felt neglected by "Sleeping Beauty" and "Snow White." I was waiting for the day where one of them would suddenly break out in song: "Epipeeeeeeen, here we are agaaaaain. This walnut in my apple pie is not gonna make me die!" Then she stabs herself with the Epipen, and lives happily ever after.
Forrest Gump is offensive. Saying that "life is like a box of chocolates" would mean that people with diabetes would have terrible lives. That is extremely discriminatory and targets everyone fighting this disease.
Men in general are offensive. When a guy holds the door open for you, it’s so rude because, hey, women have arms too! I hate when a guy calls me pretty after I spent about two hours on my hair and makeup. They are such dogs that they can’t even see my intellect after only meeting me five minutes ago. You know what else is offensive? Breast-feeding. They sell milk in supermarkets; there is no reason why you should be whipping your boob out to use it for what it was made for.
Wake up: it's time to go for a nature walk. Not everything is about you and your fragile feelings and emotions.
We are so open-minded our hair is falling out.
How can you live your life if everything angers you? I agree that there’s plenty of unfairness in the world -- but if you’ve turned into someone whose “OffenDAR” goes off by something as small as someone mispronouncing your name, perhaps it’s time to find a new hobby. The whole world isn’t out to get you -- the world is just waiting for you to actually live in it.
