In modern day dating I've come across this type of relationship I like to call the "placeholder"—someone who you like and enjoy spending time with, but things between you never really move in any direction. They're your companion and they occupy your time, which you makes you feel less single; thus less lonely. The problem with a placeholder is that more often than not, feelings develop from one side and aren't reciprocated, hence the grey area.

Are we dating? Are we seeing other people? Are we more than dating? Or are just friends? What are the boundaries when we 'hang out'? Do you we still hang out?

All of the above questions arise when you're in the grey area. The problem is, you don't know and of the answers and you're too afraid to ask for fear that it may jeopardize what you've already got going - or lack thereof. Because surviving in this grey area and suffering a little here and a little there is what we'd rather feel than be alone, or worst, feel alone.

Grey is the unknown. Grey enables the festering. Grey lingers. Grey allows for parts. Grey requires patience. Grey will eat you alive.

Communication is key to getting out of the grey. Either way, a conversation needs to be had, you either end it or move forward, because no one can survive this for long. The festering and dwelling and overthinking in your head is endless and it will eventually drive you mad.

In this indefinite amount time that I've been spending in the grey, I've learned that emotions are not just black and white. You can feel more than one way about someone or something; let's call these parts.

Parts can come from opposite ends of the spectrum and still be about the same thing. Living in grey means that you just constantly have this heaping pile of emotions all the time and you have to be okay with them just being there, because there's nowhere else for them to go. You feel the parts, you acknowledge the parts and then you let them be.

I'm reminded that no matter how well we think we know a person, we actually have no idea what's going on in their minds. We train ourselves to observe their mannerisms and reactions and apply those to whatever current situation we're in, allowing us to predict how we think they'll react and what they'll say. But in reality, we have no fucking idea.

I've learned that time is irreplaceable, but grey requires time. It tests your patience, it plays on your doubts. You grow tired of being the one to always reach out. Your efforts of initiating plans die quickly. You begin to lose interest. With each passing day you survive in this place, it only hurts the potential of your relationship, no matter the direction it ends up going.

Not knowing where you stand with someone who you want to be with is a form of torture that many of us know, hate and for some reason, continue to endure.

I have someone who makes me laugh uncontrollably, who makes me smile for no apparent reason, who is kind and generous and patient, who I want to make plans with someday, regardless of status of the relationship. I have someone who is more than just a placeholder to me.

I don't need a label or the approval of others. The whispers and talks of outside parties don't bother me. The so called "baggage" that we're both bringing into this doesn't affect me. This isn't a marriage proposal, I'm not asking for any serious commitment, I'm not asking for any sort of definition. I'm simply asking if there is potential here, any sort of chance for us to move in a positive direction.

To my person, I am trying to be patient and reverent, I am trying to give you the space you need, I just may not have the balance down quite yet. But here's what I want you to know: I am living in grey, for you. I am fighting every ounce of my being in attempts to be respectful, for you. I am surviving in this incredibly uncomfortable emotional place, for you. Because I think you're worth it.