Dear Thirteen-Year Old Me,

trigger warning

So, I heard you're still smiling at everyone and telling them that the water in your eyes is just from yawning. That's good that you're keeping everyone's hopes up, really. Too bad I know you're lying. And too bad I'm the one that knows you better than anyone else. It really sucks to have someone that can see right through you, doesn't it?

Your friend learned horrific thoughts you had in your head, and she begged you not to harm yourself. You nod politely and pull that whole fake smile act. Seriously? Did you really think anyone was going to believe that? I'm surprised that your friend did and I know you are too.

The person you are most open about it is mom and oddly enough, you thought she'd just calm you down and comfort you without a worry or doubt in her mind. But here's something you don't know. You know all those prayer classes mom goes to during the week? You are in the class's prayers. Mom and her classmates all hope that your suicidal thoughts would just fade away. See, I feel bad about that now because I never really knew how much she was suffering too. And I truly wonder how you feel about it.

So you ran out of your classroom during lunch because your friend told people this not so big secret. You had your dad as a teacher. He was one who saw you run out. He was the one who made your friend go after you. Man, you were so pissed at him that day for making her go into the bathroom with you. But what you should have done was thank him for trying to mend the friendship that was at risk of breaking. It pains me that you don't realize that, but you're only thirteen and your brain is still developing, so I'll give you a break.

Your friend was hugging you and apologizing that the word got out, as well as claiming that she didn't say anything. You smiled, hugged, her back, and said you were fine. You're going to forgive her but won't really forget about it until ninth grade. And you do have a right to, trust me. But in actuality, you should have known who to and who not to trust, so she's not the only one to blame here. I know this may sound harsh, but you need to know that a part of the reason why you told her was that you wanted the attention. And again, when we're teenagers that all we really want, but you didn't need to try to get that attention in a matter so serious.

You spend too much time looking through movies that show a girl cutting herself or a girl passed out on the floor because of pills. And looking through the bathroom medicine cabinets became a daily activity, but in actuality, you really know nothing about committing suicide, do you? But you like to think you do. You think that because you spend so much time thinking about it, there's nothing you don't know about it. Also, stop telling the online friends that you made this information too. They don't really know you, and the emotional damage your experiencing is severe. Take advantage of the aid your family is giving you, not the “don't worry, it'll get better" from your online “friend."

By the middle of ninth grade, you'll forget that you ever felt this way. You will feel as if you don't fully recognize you are now. But I'm here to tell you that even though I can't really see you anymore, I know you're there. I know you're a part of who I am today. And listen closely to this, the good stuff has barely begun. You've only lived thirteen years and the next five years get so much better, please just take my word for it. You will be happy and proud of yourself one day and the thought of ending your life will fade away years from now, you'll see that everything is just beginning for you.

Love to you always,

Your Nineteen-Year Old Self