For a period of time in high school, my group of friends were avid fans of the TAF, an abbreviated name for “talking about feelings”. Now, in this game, we would all sit in a circle and, like the name says, we would talk about our feelings.
Honestly, it sometimes felt like a competition to see who could come up with the most depressing life story, but most of the time, it was how we really got to know each other. This was how we got inside each others’ heads, understood each other, and to be quite honest, it became the reason that we so easily were able to tear into each other when it came down to the wire. It’s sad but true.
More frequently than that, though, these deep conversations led to me forming meaningful friendships with people who I’d admired as peers but never been so close to. It gave a seemingly impeccable, carved-from-marble person a sort of vulnerability that they worked to conceal from the average person, which is something that I found pretty special. When someone trusts you enough to become vulnerable in front of, you know that there is something irreversible between the two of you.
Since coming to school, I have had a distinct lack of deep conversations. That isn’t to say I haven’t had meaningful conversations, but that same vulnerability is something I believe holds people back. For lots of people, college is a place to start over. Sometimes, that means forgetting about who you were and starting to be who you want to become. In a deep conversation, a genuine conversation about everything and anything, there is no place to hide. That is actually terrifying. And rightfully so. A person who reveals themselves to you without a second thought is an abnormally trusting, fearless person who I can definitely admire. However, for the average young person, there is a friendship incubation period, you could say, to test if the person you are dedicating time to is worthy of knowing you, and I mean truly knowing you. None of this superficial shit, but your authentic self.
The concept of this authentic self is one that can be explored by searching the deepest layers of yourself. This is the thoughts you have before falling asleep, the deleted "google search" history, the questions you’ve been too afraid to ask, and your fears that you’re too embarrassed to talk about. Coming to terms with this version of yourself can be hard. It’s hard for me. I think about who I am right now, and have trouble reconciling this self with what I imagine myself to be in others’ eyes.
I find it hard to decide which version of myself I really want to be and if I should consciously make an effort to alter my deepest level of interiority to match the utmost superficial layer of my skin. To be honest, I’ve tried to do so much. I think that in the past year, without the fear of prying fingers in the dark corners of my brain, I’ve tried to present my truest self so that no one will feel the urge to go probing in places they don’t understand.
Why not make the effort, though? In a quest to find the most compatible companion, platonic or otherwise, doesn’t that sound like the most logical course of action? Discover the truest version of someone, then decide if it’ll work out? It’s emotionally taxing and hard, and to be quite honest, sometimes there are things that nobody is prepared to know off the bat. That’s why small talk, quite possibly my least favorite creation, exists. I hate it. I tend to escalate conversation past that pretty quickly, and I know that some people I’ve talked to about my habitual inability to have inconsequential conversations find that unsettling and ‘weird’. It’s that level of discomfort of revealing parts of yourself that are evident when you wash your face at night that interests me. However, I won’t be so quick to reveal my deepest darkest secrets as this may imply.
I’m not too interested about that in the first conversation we have. After all this talk about allowing yourself to be exposed, and answering to your true self, why then, would I suddenly become a hypocrite and tell you that I don’t wanna hear it? Let’s take a step back and learn a bit about each other superficially first.
My name is Gianna and I like to do things the natural way. I don’t like to force things, and I like to protect my heart so that I don’t get hurt. Romance isn’t the only thing that can hurt you, other sorts of relationships can do so the same way. Therefore, why would I put myself, or for that matter, put you, in a situation to possibly get hurt? Things in a friendship need to progress naturally in order to move into a place where you could have a deep conversation.
My method, beginning with a somewhat meaningful conversation, simply speeds the process past the bullshit small talk and onto something that reveals something actually interesting about you versus playing it so safe talking about the weather. These meaningful conversations, over time, lead to the deep ones.
I’m gonna be honest. Deep conversations can liberate you, trap you, bring anxiety, or cause you peace. My TAF experiences showed me the good and the bad about being open and authentic with people. You can use it for love or for harm. If someone trusts you with their deepest thoughts, think about how you will use them. Educate yourself on the inner workings of someone’s mind and use it to propel positivity and advancement versus deterioration and destruction. And remember, if someone gives you the privilege of knowing their vulnerability, you are a very lucky individual. Don’t forget it.
