In recent years, more than previous, the trans community has grown in large numbers. People are coming out more than ever, finally feeling comfortable to open up with who they are; so it's most likely that you personally know someone who identifies as trans. Speaking as someone who is trans myself and having come out this year, I have definitely noticed something that people do, and that is ask or say things that make me really uncomfortable. I’ve taken in consideration not only my person experience, but from fellow pals in my community on some of the things that put us off when cis-gender people (people who identify as the gender/sex they were assigned at birth) say or ask certain things. Ask yourself, have you recently, or ever have, done the following things? And why are they offensive or insensitive? Don’t worry, we’re here to help.
1. “I support you fully, but using your pronouns is really difficult for me to get used to.”
Translation to what we hear: “Hey, you’ve told me your pronouns that I should use, but I don’t care to catch myself misgendering you because its not what I’m used to.”
We get it, changing your words can be hard, but if you think it's hard for you? It's even more difficult for that person to be misgendered. Practice does make permanent in this case. If we correct you on using the wrong pronouns, we aren’t doing it to be rude, but you do need to respect them. It isn’t something we should have to negotiate.
2. “I support you and all, but I agree with the Bathroom Law. It keeps us safe.”
Correction; it keeps cis-gender people safe, not us in the trans community. Using pedophiles and rapists as an excuse to ban us from going to the bathroom we feel most comfortable in doesn’t do any good. Because we are know that pedophiles and rapists care about one thing and clearly that's upholding the law, right? *Note the heavy satire*
Seriously, we all need to pee at some point.
3. “So, like, you’re gay?”
Say it with me; “Gender is different than sexual orientation.” Gender, like sexuality, is on a spectrum. It isn’t black and white, and it most definitely not the same as attraction. While yes, you can be trans AND gay, the two do not equal one another. If you want to know someone’s orientation, ask but don’t assume.
4. “So do you have a penis or a vagina?”
Lord have mercy, I feel like this should be one you shouldn’t even have to answer because it’s something you shouldn’t ask. What genitals or body parts someone may have doesn’t determine their gender. You wouldn’t go around asking random people what they have in their pants, so it’s best to keep, especially this one, to yourself. Don’t be rude and nosy; a person's genitals is their own business.
5. “You look just like a real man/woman.”
Hold up honey. What? What in the great state of Minnesota’s name is a real woman or man? How I look does not and never will define my gender. Avoid giving someone a backhanded compliment; in the end they’re just rude and not supportive at all.
6. “Wouldn’t it have been easier to just be gay or a lesbian?”
No. No it wouldn’t have. Again, sexuality is not the same as gender. If someone wants to identify as a certain gender, it shouldn’t erase their sexual preference and vice-versa.
7. “How do you really know you’re trans? Like what made you decide?”
I don’t know; tell me one thing; how did you decide being cis-gender? Or your gender? It isn’t a choice, and we don’t need a story or reason to be a certain gender. We are who we are.
8. “I’ll always see you as…”
Stop. Please just stop right there. This is probably the most insensitive thing you could say. Regardless of who someone "was before," if they decide to identify in a new way, support them! Don’t dwell on the person you feel like you lost because, trust me, our feelings and pain outweigh it when you erase our identity. See us as we are, not who we were. If you can’t come to accept the "new" person, you shouldn’t be around them.
9. “You would pass better as a man/woman if you…”
How I decide to look is up to me. Remember this helpful tip: clothing, makeup and style do not determine gender. Objects don’t have a gender, but I may. Everyone has the right to look how they want; what I wear doesn’t define me.
10. “I feel like being trans is a phase. I mean look at Caitlyn Jenner (and any other trans icon you happen to know because of mainstream media).”
Just because there have been more trans celebrities coming out doesn’t mean we haven’t been here. We didn’t pop up overnight with Tumblr. There’s been a trans community in existence since forever, like anyone else.
11. “So, you’re a man or a woman?
There are WAY more than two genders. Again, gender is a spectrum. "Man" and "woman" are only two of the many, many genders there are. If you’d like to see a list of all of them: http://genderfluidsupport.tumblr.com
While telling you things you shouldn’t say, there are some things you can say to make us feel accepted and welcomed like:
- Using our right pronouns when talking to or about us.
- Ask us how to best support us in any space.
- Ask us what information you can talk about to others and what you should keep disclosed.
- Tell us how much you support us. Seriously, it is the best feeling knowing we have people backing us up.
- Ask us questions about how to get involved in spreading awareness and acceptance.
