I will never forget the moment I got the call: I was sitting in the basement of the academic building Pfahler with my feet hanging over the edge of the counter as I studied for an upcoming test. As soon as I picked up my phone, chills ran down my spine and my heart dropped. My dad didn’t even have to speak the words because I knew what was happening—my mom only had a few days to live and he was picking me up to see her. When he hung up the phone I punched the counter repeatedly, threw a recycling bin, and gasped for air as I couldn’t control my emotions overflowing from my body.

I felt numb the entire car ride to the hospital as my mind flooded with everything I wanted to tell her combined with the despair that I would have to live without my person, my love, my mom.

I think it’s important to mention that I was one of the lucky ones. I had the chance to see her that evening, and she got to hear everything I needed to tell her, at least the most important parts. Not many people have that opportunity, and I am forever grateful that moment was sparred for me. She knows how much I loved her and that by far she was the best mom I could have ever asked for. She made me who I am, and she left with that pride.

With that being said, there will always be details that I left out from that moment. There will always be feelings that if we just had a little more time together, she would have known every bit and piece of how much I cared about her. But the best part about life is that everything happens for a reason, and even though my sweet angel is flying high in heaven, I am here on this earth with a greater purpose and can still share how I feel and what I have learned from this entire experience.

Above all, I can still tell you what I think you need to know, mom, and maybe you’re not physically able to read this, but my heart shares every word with you and that forever connects our souls.

Mom, thank you for understanding me.

For being there when I was assaulted the first time and knowing in my eyes that I was in too much pain to talk about it. For bringing food to me for three days straight when I was dumped and laid in bed crying over what I thought was the worst heart break of my life. For forgiving me when my emotions were out of control and I got mad at the silliest things and took that anger out on you. For countless times taking the time to get to know who I am and loving me for being that person, even if that wasn’t always the easy thing to do.

Mom, you deserve more credit than you got.

I hope heaven has a throne for you because you deserve to be treated like a queen and I am so sorry that people didn’t always give you that. I wish people saw that you were diamond covered in a little dust. You never were given the greatest circumstances, but you did your best to make it work. You never gave up. You fought until you had nothing to give. You had more strength than anyone I have ever met. You were always kind even when people didn’t treat you the same way. You touched so many souls and inspired so many people just through your inner beauty, and my greatest wish is that everyone meets someone like you in their life.

Mom, you never let me down.

I know how much you think you failed. You wish you could have given more money to support our family and more presents throughout the holidays, but you need to know that I never needed those things. I needed you, and that’s what I had. So thank you, for showing me that this world is filled with many things we don’t need, but what we do need is love, and you gave me that. And that gift is what makes you the greatest success as a mom, never forget it.

Mom, I wish we could have spent a little more time together.

My favorite moments were spent talking and playing cards with you for countless hours on end. I know it seemed at the time I just wanted to keep playing until I won, but the real reason is because my time spent with you were the moments I was happiest. I wish I could lay with you while you play with my hair until I fall asleep. I wish we could spend time listening to our favorite singers, Carrie Underwood and Martina McBride. I wish I could peel potatoes while you bake pierogis until 2 am. I wish I could see your terrible dance moves and hear your laugh one more time. I would give anything to go back in time and relive every moment because I never realized how quickly they would be gone. But thank you for those times spent together, they will always be in my heart.

Mom, I still need you.

I need my shoulder to cry on. I need my shelter when I have nowhere to go. I need my person to carry me through the toughest times. I need my rock, my strength, my soul, my best friend. I needed you my whole life, and I still need you now. But what I need more is for you to live through me. For you to keep guiding me and teaching me. For you to pick me up when I can’t walk. For you to remind me how to live and be the best woman I can be. For you to show me that I deserve happiness too, even if I always put others’ before my own. For you to let me feel your love no matter where I go. And thank you, for not letting me down and giving me every one of those things, even if I don’t always see them.

Mom, you changed the world.

As I mentioned, you touched so many souls when you were here. You taught me how I should live and I will never forget those lessons and transfer that knowledge to others. You taught me how to inspire others. You taught me to love unconditionally and to forgive no matter how difficult it is. You taught me that you should move mountains for the people you love because everyone deserves to feel like someone cares. You taught me that God’s plan is and will always be greater than my own, and that faith is something I feel so blessed to have shared with you. You taught me to not give up even if I want to, and that strength will give others’ hope for a better future. You taught me to believe in myself and believe that I can do things far greater than mediocrity. You taught me how to live and you will find that you not only live in me, but so many lives. You are still here, and this world has become a better place because of you.

Mom, thank you.

Those two words can’t begin to describe how grateful I am for everything you have done, but I know in my heart that you understand. Thank you for your love, support, and for being hands-down the most beautiful woman who touched this world. Heaven has become a better place since you made it, but earth will never forget your beauty.

Love you mom, forever and always.