I couldn't tell you how many times I heard the phrase "he's mean to you because he likes you" growing up. It's amazing how often this is the answer to the problem of playground mischief. While it may seem like a good way to keep kids from reporting every little recess squabble, those words have a lot more meaning behind them than you might think. Growing up hearing things like that over and over, I took it as gospel. When boys would do mean things to me, whether it was stealing my backpack in elementary school or making fun of how I looked in middle school, I took it as a sign of affection. Which of course skewed my idea of what love should be. When I started taking interest in dating in middle school, I always sought out the guys I would get into arguments with or who showed no interest even when I expressed mine, because those actions were supposed to mean they liked me. Of course, when the person you think likes you is constantly making fun of you, that can really take a toll on your self-confidence.

This phrase became less popular as high school came along, but it was followed by other equally strong influences. It seems as soon as you hit high school you were expected to date. Relatives at family gatherings would constantly ask if you had a boyfriend yet. It was all in jest, a joke which, it seems, adults compulsively have to make when young teens are around. But while these young teens know it's a joke, somewhere in the back of their mind it rings true. Between this and other influences in high school, I began to associate having a partner with one's self worth. No matter how good my grades were, how many clubs I joined, how many sports I excelled in, I could never escape that question. So every time I had had a crush that didn't work out, I would hate myself a little more. Getting a guy was the one thing I couldn't do, and I saw that as a failure.

One of the influences that made this idea so strong was reading the literature that was targeted for my age-group. I loved to read, and while I wasn't into romance novels, it was difficult to find a book that didn't have a romantic subplot. Every great adventure and every magic quest for some reason needed a romance, which made sense to me at the time because of how much I based self-worth on love. And these romances were nothing to look up to. The one thing I remember most from all of these books was one of the ways they described the feeling of love; nervousness. When you saw someone you loved, you would get nervous. You were supposed to trip over your words and your heart is supposed to beat out of your chest. This also made sense to me. If guys are supposed to be mean when they like you, why wouldn't you get nervous?

The marks of these words last beyond one's youth. Little girls who were told to love boys who were mean to them will often grow up to be women who accept physical and emotional abuse as affection. Words like this have so much meaning behind them. I had to learn through many bad experiences that love isn't nervousness and unkind words, it's comfort and contentedness. I only wish someone had told me that when I was younger. It's amazing how much effect simple words can have. You would never tell an abuse victim "he's mean to you because he likes you". So let's not do the same with children.