Hi. I'm Amanda. I am quite extroverted and confident. I think I have a strong self of self. However, sometimes life just gets to me and I turn into that one Mr. Krabs meme. When I'm having an existential crisis,I stop thinking rationally, turn to the person nearest to me and yell, "TELL ME I'M PRETTY" (this is why I don't have many friends). I probably feel this way because I have some underlying issues or wasn't held enough as a child, but, until I find a therapist, here are some things that send me into an existential crisis.
1. Looking at peoples' professional websites/LinkedIn profiles.
If your professional website or LinkedIn is listed somewhere on your social media, there's a 90% chance I've looked at it. I admit, I love being a creep and going back 2 years on someone's Instagram. I love seeing the transformation from middle school you to current you, going from pupa to beautiful butterfly. Same thing goes for your professional website. I will be your personal cheerleader and yell "yaaaaaaassss kween" at you until the cows come home because you're such a great, successful human being. Creeping on professional you, however, sends me into an internal tailspin. You've interned at 25 places and have a kickass portfolio? I'm 1000% mad at myself for not getting off my lazy ass and doing something with my life other than watching cat videos all day. I know we all really don't have our lives together, but seeing you have yours slightly more together than mine makes me feel like I'm inadequate and unemployable even though I am quite adequate and somewhat employable. Tell me I have a future and I'm not mediocre and you might be able to save me from myself.
2. Reading a really good article.
This is connected to the above point. I'm a nonfiction/communications double major at school, so naturally I read a lot of other peoples' writing in and out of class, by professional writers and from my peers. The field I want to get into is incredibly competitive, so when I read something really good I start freaking out because I won't get a job because I'm a crap writer and there are 10,000 other 20-year-olds that are better writers than me, even though I'm not bad (as you can see here. Unless I'm actually bad and no one has had the heart to tell me I'm terrible. But don't me I'm terrible because my fragile heart wouldn't be able to handle the devastating news.)
3. Hearing someone sing.
Some more fun facts: I'm in an a cappella group. As a low-key music nerd, it's my job to listen to music and the people who use their voices to make music. Sometimes, I hear someone that sounds REALLY GOOD and can belt and are just wonderful musicians and I'm over here just like "I sound OK" even though I know I'm a good singer. However, all confidence goes out the window when I try to sing a song and I hear someone else singing the same song and I'm like "welp, I suck." Tbh I just wish I could be Ariana Grade (i.e. belt and sing notes only dogs can hear).
You're probably thinking "OK, she's just writing this to bitch about all of her insecurities," and that's partially true (it's not good to bottle up your feelings!), but I think we all have moments where we compare ourselves to other people and subsequently think we're doomed for life since we're not as good as them; that's not true. Yes, some people are RIDICULOUSLY talented and smart and stylish and perfect and it seems like everything just falls into place for them, but I think we all secretly don't have our lives together; we just fake it so no one sees that we're kind of just bumbling around and working hard to make things happen. Like Hannah Montana says, "Nobody's perfect." We all have our insecurities, and I hope me saying what makes me question my life can help you stop questioning yours. I promise I'll tell you you're pretty if you want me to.
