If I had to summarize my whole testimony for bible college in a sentence it would be this:
After all this time I have found that to know your true self is both a great gain in the spirit and a great loss in the flesh.
What I've learned over the past year and a half is that nothing that I do or can do is of importance without God.
I mean it.
If God were to tell me once I get to heaven, that the only reason He made me go through hell four times over was to realize that I can do nothing; I wouldn't be surprised.
It would make sense actually.
I've learned, in the most humbling of ways, which is just another way of saying - I've screwed up over and over and over, yet He still kissed and loved me the whole way - that this walk can not be walked from yesterday's feelings or tomorrow's commitments.
But only on the mercy and grace that has been blessed to me for today. This might sound strange but all I'm trying to say is that what God has called me to, can not be accomplished without His spirit guiding me, and His Word ever present on my mind.
So shout out to God... Or, praise be to the Father in heaven who has held me tight, when all I've ever repaid Him with is with trying to run away. Who has beckoned after me, when all I've wanted was everything except for Him.
It is You. It is You. It is You who my praise should always go to, because who else would love a sinner like I?
Who else would love her through all her tears, complaining, and mental breakdowns?
If I wasn't me, I would have kicked myself to the curb a year ago.
Yet He held me still.
Instructed me to trust.
Told me to remember, all I am is found in Him, and when I do not find those things, it is because I am consumed with things, not of Him.
And He taught me and continued to teach me. Until I learned, finally, that I can never be who I was meant to be without Him.
Yet He is patient.
Yet He is kind, and everloving.
While I am still I, He is still God.