They say that it will get easier with time, but not a day goes by that I don't miss you. Not a moment passes where you aren't on my heart. The weight of the reality is crushing. I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much. It's a deep pain, one where you simply just hurt on the inside. It fills you with a heavy tiredness and fogs up your brain so you can't think.
It crashes over you like a wave engulfing you and not allowing you to breathe. Everything within you wants to escape reality, because it seems like too much to bear. Leaving reality is nice, but even sunsets at the beach don't stop the pervasive sadness that looms like a rain cloud over your head, following you everywhere you go.
Staying busy provides small relief but is no match for the depth of the pain. The immense emptiness your heart feels when one of the dearest people leaves you on this earth, and you're forced to finish the journey on your own. There's a big gaping hole, one that will never be filled here on earth.
There's this weird dichotomy of time that we sit in. It simply seems to stay still. You feel frozen as the rest of the world zooms by you carrying on with their merry lives as if the world hasn't been permanently altered.
In one sense time is creeping and that seems like a good thing, because with each passing day more and more pieces are lost and you're further from the memories. Further from the last time you were able to kiss their cheek, hold their hand and tell them how much you love them. Yet the other side longs for time to speed up, to simply fast forward through life knowing that only when these days are over and life is finished will you be able to see that joy-filled smile again. Knowing that there will be pervasive emptiness until these days are over.
Living in the middle is hard. You live in between seeing their face, laughing with them, hugging them, watching sports and hearing those sarcastic, and witty comments. Between those beginning times and the end of life where we'll get to see them again and our hearts will be whole and full of joy. There are moments where you would do anything to go back to the beginning of the story simply to hear them laugh one more time or fast forward to the final days because you know that one day the ending will be good.
So in these in-between days the only thing left to do is cling to what is true. Hold on to the hope of eternal glory, cling to the hope of seeing her again in heaven. Remember the promises of God. Rest in his faithfulness. Allow your soul to be anchored in the depths of his grace and the sureness of his goodness. Give God your heart and allow him to infuse you with strength and courage to keep going. Take it one step at a time knowing that completing each day is a victory.
Then run; run the race with endurance. My sister never gave up she always won the hustle awards, always did everything 110 percent and always persevered. So even though my heart is weak I will seek to keep enduring until the end. Knowing that my lil' sis Elizabeth Joy will be awaiting me at the finish line.
