I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. - George Burns
What I’m striving to be in life, really, is quite comical.
I’m a walking hypocrite.
Every since I was young I have been an introvert. Nothing can change it. I think it’s in my DNA. I'm more comfortable in silence, without many people around. That is my innate instinct.
Yet, as i’ve grown up, I’ve found that what I love, involves extroverted qualities and mentalities. I’m majoring in Communications. I am fascinated by people, and how the mind works. The only thing I want to do in life, is study people, work with people, and make people happy. I want to be doing something that benefits the lives of others, while benefiting myself as well. I love the sales industry. Mad Men was one of my favorite shows. I may want to be a marketer, advertiser. I want to sell people on things that make them better people. It’s kind of a weird idea, so when people ask me what I want to be, I usually just say, “I don’t know, something with people.” I haven’t solidified it yet. But what I do know, is that no matter what I get involved in, I want to be actively communicating.
I've taken public speaking classes and gotten an A. I work three jobs. I'm a student caller, marketing representative, and a Shift Leader. All of my jobs require people skills. I must be able to talk to people in order to do them properly. I love my jobs. I smile for hours being friendly to customers. I leave work exhausted unable to speak. Sometimes I come home from work in tears, because I just can't be so friendly anymore.
I always want to know what’s up. I blow up my group chats. I want to be there. If something is happening, I don’t want to miss it. I want to meet new friends, and I want continue so many friendships. I’m like a dog, let me meet everyone. This is what my mind is saying.
But come time to be at that social situation I put myself in, I get scared. My face gets red. Im soft spoken. Im nervous and I can’t breathe. All the while my mind is saying “Yay! People! I’m here, Hello! Notice me, Notice me, Notice me!” My face is blank. I am shy. "Ignore me. I don’t exist. Let the ground swallow me up from underneath so I can go back to bed."
I’m an introvert with a desire to be an extrovert. I can’t fix it. It’s never going to go away, and I’ll always be an introvert at heart. Every single day I put myself through stress as I do what I love most. Every single time I show up at a party, or talk to customers at work, I’m terrified, but I’m so happy. It’s absolutely insane, but it’s in my mind. I cannot help the way I am, but I will never stop trying.
I think growing up as an introvert has helped me master my extrovert self. I'm always watching and listening. Being the quiet one has made me understanding, and accepting. I can tell you're sad when you tell me you're happy. I can hear everyone.
My instincts say introvert, and my mind and passions say extrovert. I am always at conflict.
Some people know me as the shy girl who does not speak, while other people know me as the crazy girl who’s always cracking jokes. People who have gotten to know me over time always say the same thing. “You used to be so shy, I didn’t notice you were even there. Now you wont stop talking! What’s gotten into you?” It’s a broken record at this point. My friends make fun of me sometimes. They know i’m shy around new people, and they laugh at my attempts. When I ask a question in a group of chattering acquaintances and nobody hears me. When I speak to a room of people I don’t know and my face turns red. When I order food at Chipotle and my voice quivers and I start to sweat because what if I order the wrong thing.
Let me talk, but don’t answer me. Notice me, and then ignore me. Give me a chance, and then laugh at my efforts. Invite me to a concert, but let me stay in bed.
I will always be at conflict. I will always be the extroverted introvert. Im weird, i’m confusing, but that’s the way i’ll continue to be. I'm going to keep pushing myself to speak and my voice will be heard.
