Sometimes, I am a happy little clam. I like to laugh, sing, run, make funny faces, go swimming, and even, every now and again, kick my shoes off and go dancing (if the mood is right). Any exposure at all, whether by experience or viewing, to happiness in perpetua, would be absolutely horrific. As countless myths, proverbs, TV shows and books have reminded us, for the average person, neither total happiness, nor total sadness, can exist for more than a certain amount of time without switching over to some other emotion.

So that means happiness must be temporary; it must, and seemingly does, occur in short bursts between other emotions, and can be interrupted in a number of ways (i.e. something bad happening or maybe the emotion itself just fading away on its natural course). Happiness lasts different lengths of time depending on a number of factors, including but certainly not limited to: whatever the catalyst for happiness (jokes last less in terms of happiness than, say, being accepted into a college or getting married or finding a cd/record that’s very important to you), the person, their background, as well as that particular time in the person’s life (both age wise, emotion wise, and maturity wise), and a number of other factors—all of which make the experience of happiness very subjective, as well as a multifarious.

This is supported by idea that happiness has many different catalysts, which I will leave for you to imagine (the myriad impetuses for happiness, that is). Another interesting thing is that happiness is generally accompanied by one or more other, entirely separate emotions (take the marriage example up above, for instance). Of course the couple is going to be “happy,” for many months, and (hopefully) many years afterwards. But they are also going to be feeling other things at the same time: pride, excitement, nostalgia, as well as loss, gain and growth. These emotions are also accompanied by the regular emotions between couples (petty frustrations, eye-rollings, toungue-stick-outings, etc., as well as each partner’s emotions towards the world.)

Basically, happiness isn’t alone. Ever.

But it is special.

Happiness is not only incredibly subjective, but also universal: it has endless categories of inspirations and expressions, and is so subjective that it can only be talked about by drawing the line randomly, and enlarging the categories to a viewable size.

I do not wish to do that. I have abstracted most of this essay, nearly to the point of incoherence.

And, also, what is the point of this essay?

I guess the point is that I wanted to meditate on what happiness is, how long it can last, what makes someone happy. It’s very difficult to do this without excluding the bulk of other people, or otherwise creating gross stereotypes. This is why, at this point, I wanted to switch over to a more personal approach, in order to supplement all the weird stuff up above.

I remember when I was a kid, I played this game with my brother one night called midget football. We basically invented the game on the spot, and were very much into it and happy as clams and all that. I remember the next night I wanted to go out and play again; I wanted to feel that exact same type of happiness again. As soon as we started playing the game, it didn’t feel the same as that first time. There was something missing, maybe just the fact that this wasn’t the first time we had played the game. It had lost its novelty, and therefore we were unable to obtain the same happiness from it.

This tells me that, in part, happiness involves being intensely, wholly in the moment. It also involves a sense of novelty, and a sense of increased possibilities.

Nowadays, I love to watch Netflix (as I’m sure many of you do), and, if you’re like me, when you find the right show you end up being “wholly in the moment,” but doing something which generally can’t be considered all too engaging or difficult or growth-inspiring (i.e binge watching the entire series of "The Walking Dead" during two straight days of mountain-dew-chugging, Ben-and-Jerry’s-shoveling, chip-crunching). It’s obvious that in this situation, “being wholly in the moment,” is not creating happiness, otherwise, at the end of a Netflix-binge-sesh I wouldn’t feel so unhappy and disgusted.

These two things combined, tell me that happiness has to do with being actively engaged with the environment around you—not just looking at the thing in front of you.

I find that, when I do feel happy, if I overthink being happy then the happiness will go away. At least for me, whenever I become self-aware of my being happy, I begin experiencing something other than happiness (whether that be questioning my own luck, thinking about how this happiness may be lost, etc. (the point is, whenever I think about being happy, I am no longer being happy, rather, I am thinking)).

This tells me that happiness has the ability to delay the conscious thought process, and that seems to me to be the true reason it cannot be sustained for very long. We would lose our minds. We would no longer be humans; we would be drooling, saggy faced happy people, prancing around without any cares whatsoever; destroying buildings with our skipping and shattering glass with our giggles. The point of happiness, true happiness, is that it is a gift. A gift to everyone, for, without it, we could not bear the thoughts which must be thought in order to maintain our minds.

It is true that we often must face the horrible parts of this world, but trauma has several allies. In order to mourn, we cry. In order to cope, we find new outlets or new means of rebellion. In order to forget, we laugh. Before, during, and after all that though, is happiness. It is what allows us to escape the wretched truth of society, the state and its intrinsic violence at that very moment in time. For example, happiness is being away from the moment, while still being in the moment. If that makes any sense whatsoever. It is a way to escape the banalities of the days. The right kind of light on a lily. A cobweb’s Mandelbrotian beauty. The deep grain of a familiar smelling wood. Human happiness is something that has always been with us, what it acts as exactly, though, we do not know. Perhaps as a coping mechanism, perhaps as an expression of the joy of being alive, or perhaps as a way for us to commune and interact positively with others: whatever it is there for, it is indeed a gift to all of us.

The best part is that happiness does not need to be thanked for its gift, nor even cherished; for, to be happy, is to both accept the impermanence and eventual loss of your happiness, as well as it is to cherish the mysterious life which gave you the gift.