Ever since high school, maybe even middle school, there has always been talk about a place called the Friend-Zone. When people talk about someone that they want to date, or who wants to date them, that`s usually when it comes into play. The Friend-Zone is the place where some people who have been rejected go. People who have been turned down by someone they have feelings for, usually someone who was already a good friend, say that they have been Friend-Zoned by the person that rejected them. It has the implication that a good, strong, and possibly affectionate platonic relationship is always building to a romantic relationship. I used to use the term myself, and buy into it, until I really stepped back and thought about what it meant. The more experience I had with relationships and rejections, and the more I watched my friends go through those same things, the more I realized what was usually meant by the term Friend-Zone. Usually it held the meaning that it is ridiculous that someone who they have feelings for, and who is close and kind to them wouldn`t want to be in a relationship with them because, after all, they`re already really close friends.

It might sound a little odd when it`s all spelled out like that, and that`s good, because it is. The whole idea of the Friend-Zone for a lot of people comes from a place of entitlement, because we all want the person we like to like us back. While at face-value it might seem harmless, it can cause a lot of damage. The use of the Friend-Zone usually comes from anger, and mentality behind it more often than not, is, “Well, this person is being nice to me and is caring towards me, and I`m romantically attracted to them, so they must feel the same.” We`ve all misread signals and thought that someone had feelings for us when they didn`t—it happens and that doesn`t make us bad people. It`s all about how you go about handling the situation once you find out what`s really going on. Finding out one way or another that the person you have feelings for doesn`t have them for you, sucks. There`s no doubt about that. However, getting angry with the other person for not reciprocating your feelings because you think that just because you have them they should too, is a bit backwards, and can lead to disrespect of other people`s boundaries if it gets out of hand.

There are a million and one ways to be mature and respectful of someone else`s feelings, but getting angry at them for putting you in the Friend-Zone isn`t one of them. The Friend-Zone perpetuates the idea that friendship always leads to romance, that if one person has feelings the other person must, or will eventually. It makes good, pure friendships seem like they are lesser because they aren`t romantic. Because worst-case scenario, the person that you like doesn`t like you back and you`re just stuck being friends with them, but is that really so bad?

There are two kinds of people in this world: the ones who will be romantically/sexually attracted to you, and the ones who won`t be. Sometimes your friends will fall into the first category, and sometimes they`ll fall into the second category. Then there are going to be other times when you are going to be the one who has to tell one of your close friends that you aren`t attracted to them the same way that they are attracted to you. It has nothing to do with the quality or longevity of your friendships, the amount of time you spend together, or how close you`ve been in the past. It`s as simple as some people develop romantic feelings and others don`t. There`s no in-between, no Friend-Zone. It took me a while to not only figure that out, but to actually accept it. You and that other person are the same people that you`ve always been, and the different feelings that you`ve both had are still there, now they`re just out in the open. There can be a period of time where the person who was rejected can take time to be upset, because rejection hurts, but that doesn`t warrant anger, or the accusation of that person putting you in the Friend-Zone. Platonic affection doesn`t always equate to romantic feelings, and that is something that we all find ourselves grappling with at one point or another.

The point of all this isn`t me saying that being turned down by someone isn`t upsetting or doesn`t hurt. There`s nothing inherently wrong with developing feelings for someone that you`re close with, either. But you have to respect the other person`s feelings, whether they reciprocate or not. Being good friends and clicking really well on a platonic level doesn`t always translate over into romantic feelings. You`re either romantically attracted to someone or you`re not. Someone is either romantically attracted to you or they`re not. Sometimes it sucks that it`s that simple, especially when you`re hurt, but that`s the reality of it. Feelings are always going to happen, and getting turned down will always suck, but learning how to navigate it all and be respectful of all sides of the equation is really important.