Instagram pictures don't lie, right? Think again.
I remember looking at pictures that people posted of me on social media at certain points in the year. Honestly, It was hard for me to tell if my smiles were genuine.
A couple of months ago, I was really struggling and I didn't want to admit it to myself. Looking back, you can definitely tell in the pictures.
The girl in my header photo was genuinely smiling. She was confident with her body and her abilities. She was stressed, but she knew how to positively cope with her stress. She didn't bottle it up.
When I was really struggling at the beginning of the summer, I wanted to be that girl again. I just couldn't admit to myself that I was struggling. I couldn't admit to myself that I needed to ask for help again.
In the midst of my deep depression, I felt like asking for help after years of not going to therapy made me weak. Why couldn't I cope on my own? I berated myself for not being able to deal with everything alone. I dismissed my feelings and told myself that if I kept living life like I usually do, I'd be fine. I felt better for a while, but it only worked because I was avoiding my problems.
I told my friend how bad things were, and they kept telling me that I needed help. Once again, I was angry at myself for needing help. I told them I'd try to deal with it.
Guess what? I couldn't.
Things kept getting worse and worse. Finally, I decided to get help. I had been seeing a psychiatrist for a few months and managing my medications helped a bit, but something was missing. I was still struggling to manage my negative thoughts and emotions. My psychiatrist asked if I wanted to start therapy.
Reluctantly, I said yes. I told her I used to go to therapy, and it didn't help in the past. I didn't want to waste her time.
In the past, I think the main problem was that I chose the wrong type of therapy. I would just vent to my therapist, and she would give me advice. I know that helps some people, but I needed something that would help me with my thoughts.
I just started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I've found it helpful. My psychiatrist gave me mood tracker sheets where I write down an upsetting situation and assess the thoughts I'm having, how they are actually distorted, and ways I can reshape my thoughts.
The hardest part about getting help is asking for it, but it's worth it. Even though it has only been a week since I've started CBT, it's comforting knowing that I have strategies to turn to if I find myself getting bad again. I haven't been feeling the greatest lately. I definitely need guidance, and the CBT worksheets help.
If you're afraid to seek help, I understand. I'm stubborn, and I want to be able to do everything myself. Everyone wants to be independent. But no one can manage on their own all of the time. We all need help every once in a while.
We go to the doctor when we're sick. Why can't we go to therapy when we're depressed?
Asking for help when you're struggling with your mental health is probably one of the best things you can do. In fact, I'm proud of myself for asking for help. Going to therapy again doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I'm taking initiative and helping myself.
At the time, because I was in such a low place, my mind told me that I should feel guilty and ashamed for going to therapy. Now I know that's a lie. It only takes three words: "I need help." Then, you're on a journey to get better.
