I’m not about to start blathering about how great our generation is, or how this article’s argument that us millennials want a relationship without putting the work into getting it is wrong. We don’t want to make a deep connection; we want one handed to us. In this way, it is heavily implied we are significantly lazier and deplorable in the relationship department than previous years.
Again, because I must make clear (for those non-Millennials in particular), that I am not evaluating this argument with the assumption that our generation is perfect. It isn’t. Additionally, frankly, I am not someone who finds sexual intimacy extremely alluring, be it with a life partner, a friend, a stranger, anyone. However, I am also someone who tries not to pass judgment on those for living differently than me. While there are problems in each generation, I do not believe that being sexually active is the worst of the worst.
It does interest me, however, that the implication of this essay is that older generations handled relationships better than we do. Which is hilariously horrible to me, as these are the generations who, largely, supported only heterosexual relationships, married for anything but love, married fairly quickly depending on the exact time period we examine, married fairly early in their lives and either explicitly forbade divorce or made it socially unacceptable. How “deep connections” even happened when restricted to heterosexual relationships and marriages not necessarily requiring love (as well as being largely forced on women) is beyond me, but maybe that’s just my silly, backward, liberal, lazy, immature millennial mindset hindering me.
Where are you getting this notion that romance is dead now when it never really existed in the manner you idealize? Is it because we are cautious, because maybe women want more now, won’t let themselves settle into a relationship purely for the pleasure of others, because we use technological advances to our advantage or because we have adapted our definitions of love and romance and sex to fit our current situations?
Instead of screaming about how technology and laziness ruins everything in these gosh darn youths, why don’t we address our progress?
We are more accepting of anyone getting married. We are more accepting of those who choose not to do anything. (Of course, “more accepting” does not mean we are perfect or have progressed to any extremes, but there is progress, and it deserves to be noted.) We are more accepting of those who wait to marry and we are wary of quick marriages. We are aware that marriage is a big step. We are aware that divorce can be necessary for the well-being of one or more participants in the relationship. We are more aware of previous behaviors perceived as “romantic” are, at best, sexist and, at worse, abusive and/or toxic.
In my personal experience, those who are repulsed by my reluctance to throw myself into a marriage-worthy relationship and immediately pop out children (I wish I was joking) see me as a vessel that does not have worth without a man at my side, controlling me, and childless. True story, a few members of my family have alienated me because I am putting my studies first. I’ve had well-meaning parents of friends assure me that I’ll “find the right man, soon.” That college is really just a means of leveling up into becoming a Wife and Mom, the highest things I can possibly be. (These are, also, people who sneer and shame women who go to college solely with that goal in mind.) I’ve even had one mom, very seriously, tell me that dating is a sin, that God will show me the true man for me, and I’ll just know, without needing any other confirmation.
It is, usually, people my age who accept my reluctance to date. Who live different lives romantically and sexually and don’t interfere with mine. Who validate my choices when I’m feeling down and doubting myself. Who don’t limit me to what they hope and expect out of me as a woman. Who don’t encourage outrageous (and, quite frankly, dangerous) romantic behavior or expectations or lifestyles.
As we have started to take control of our lives, see what previous generations have done and try to mold our lives accordingly, we have become more aware, as a society, about the complications of forcing ourselves to adhere to a relationship-obsessed, heteronormative and sexist standard of living. We do not rush into relationships because we have the ability to do more with our lives. We do not rush into relationships because, maybe, we are aware that, though they are nice, our lives are not valued or validated solely based on who we chain ourselves to in marriage. There is value in being spouses and parents—being a Mom and Wife can be the highest things you can be; the difference is that this is not the only highest thing we can be. I can choose what I will be and what makes me a valuable member of society. Adhering to traditional gender roles as a woman is valid and important; the difference is that I want it to be my choice—not something society forces on me.
Yes, we may not get it right all the time. Yes, we can be lazy. Yes, we can always improve ourselves. Yes, there are still many negative stereotypes to dismantle. However, we are trying. As a whole, I believe we are doing more to improve our society’s understanding of romance and sex, and we are doing this while adapting our lives to new technological advances. We are trying to make it work.
You can criticize our generation all you want. You think we are flawed? Fine. Just don’t you dare expect me to believe that the previous generations had perfect, ideal notions of relationships.
