Recovery.
A vague word that holds so much meaning for so many people.
By definition, it reads quite simple — yet, the thought and the act of recovery is one of the most complicated things we as humans can pursue.
Recovery means different things for different people. It is often a silent struggle, one that a lot of us don’t like to talk about in our daily lives… or at least I don’t. For some, it’s drugs. For others, it’s prominent mental health issues. For me, it was food. For all, there presents one common denominator — addiction.
The thing about recovery is that we all wish it was a straight path, and when we start on this road, we all envision it as a straight tunnel with a light at the end. The truth is, it’s the furthest thing from it. It’s a twisting, winding dirt road with plenty of detours and pit stops along the way. It comes as a surprise to many, including myself, that recovery is a life long journey. As unfortunate as that may be, it has many things to teach us.
I had attempted recovery many times before I knew I was really succeeding. When you reach the state of mind in which you are ready to heal, you just know. While I knew I was ready to leave that dark part of my life behind, I really felt as though I would never have to actively work at it. I felt as though a couple of weeks of mindfulness practice (my life savior — Duke University did a beautiful study on this practice) would give me all the tools I needed to be set for the rest of my life.
Contrary to that belief I had held, I quickly discovered recovery is comparable to will power — the more you practice it, the stronger it gets. The less you practice it, the weaker it becomes. (I don’t quite want to delve into the fine details of what exactly I am recovering from, so I will remain vague when talking about myself throughout the rest of this piece.)
While I did exceptionally well for the first few months of my mindfulness practice, I got busier with school and work as the Fall time came around and started to put my practice on the back burner. Although I never did slip down the entire relapse slope, I recently started experiencing some of the familiar thoughts and habits that my mind was ever so used to. Within the last week while experiencing this, I made sure to notice them and slowly approach them with the meditation methods my wonderful therapist has taught to me. (I’ve been seeing her since the age of 9, and she also deserves some serious credit.)
When you first learn to recover, you feel a major sense of security and light. You feel as though you’ve found the answer, and you can finally be a “normal” person once again. However, there will always come a time when your sense of security breaks — and when it does — that secure feeling will almost always turn into self-doubt and depression.
You will feel like everything you’ve ever worked towards was never worth it. You will be harder on yourself than maybe ever before, because that feeling of being healed is suddenly gone in an instant. Everything is up in the air again, and a sense of panic sets in. You will ask yourself, “Are we really going down this road again?”
There is no easy answer for when that happens. You cannot avoid these emotions, as terrible as they may feel. You have to feel them for exactly what they are, considering recovery is learning how to stop numbing your emotions with external substances. That may be the hardest and most challenging part of it all. Despite this, it is crucial to remember that you can never stop traveling down the road of recovery. While tempting, it is only incredibly detrimental to turn around and go back the way you came when you get lost. Although we all wish it would be a straight tunnel with a clearly visible light at the end, we must continue to recognize it will be something we will have to work at for the rest of our lives.
Whether it be an eating disorder, a drug addiction or a life-halting mental health issue, recovery is never a straight path. It is often one we go down, get lost on, and have to take again until we get it right. The most important part is that no matter how many times we feel we may never find our way, we must remember it’s the best choice we could have ever made for ourselves.
It’s the discovery of self love we never knew we had that makes it worth it. It’s the fact that after all these years of suffering, we realize we have something inside of us that makes us stronger than we ever thought possible. It’s the fact that recovery gives us the ability to live the life we’ve always wanted to — and truthfully, is there anything worth giving that up for?
My answer to the above question would have to be “no.” This week I have struggled with my recovery for the first time in a while, just as we all do at one point or another. And while that is incredibly difficult on its own, I may have failed to realize just how far I have come in the last couple of months. I know I have the strength inside of me to not only continue down the path of recovery but to go even further than I already have.
That being said, we must always remember to remind ourselves of something very important when traveling — and struggling — down the winding, challenging road of recovery.
There is nothing more beautiful than being free.
