Dear world,

There is a war raging inside of me. A bloody, unforgiving war. A war that has only one soldier, fighting against himself. This war never sleeps. It's by far the toughest battle I have ever faced. And, in all cases, I would never wish this battle on anybody, for it's a crusade that takes extreme courage to weather. Unfortunately, I am not the only one fighting this battle. It is a common war. One that many of you may struggle with. The war: Depression.

Depression is an illness that proves difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. After all, how do you explain to someone the atrocities of war and expect them to understand if they haven't shed blood, sweat, and tears in one? So, for most, it's something that you may never understand. You may never understand laying in your bed but not really sleeping. Having trouble getting in bed, but also having trouble getting out of bed. Moving, but not really moving. Speaking, but only in your head. Hearing, but listening. Seeing, but not what you want to. This is a portrait of depression, and it's scary.

With this illness, your optimism is so frail that it exists only as strands waiting to blow away into the careless air; you feel as if your every move is a mistake; motivation is almost nonexistent; you are so afraid of letting people down that you eventually do; people drift away from you because you're so caught up in your mind that you start to push. You just push. You push everything and everyone away until there is no one left, making everything worse. If you felt alone before, you are now literally alone.

I am guilty of this. And, for those of you that I have pushed away, I am sorry that you've become another casualty in my war. Believe me, it's not fun to watch close friends become strangers just because I'm distant when things get bad. But being distant is just me trying to figure things out, trying to learn how to love myself. I need everyone to understand that. My war locks me in my room, afraid to face the world. I am burdened by the very things that make me who I am: my thoughts, my creativity, my passions, my decisions. How can you expect me to fully love you, if I can't even love myself?

I'm sure others like me feel the same way. Depression makes me let go of the things I love. The thoughts circling in my head find a way to ruin even the best things, and my lack of motivation keeps me from making something of myself. Often, I find myself missing class, work, or, hell, even parties because I am unmotivated. Sometimes I just can't get out of bed. Sleep is always a friend. I would rather hide in a dream than face my reality. Don't judge me, OK? Just try and understand to the best of your ability.

Above all, the worst part of my illness is not having an answer for why I'm sad all the time. My depression has no known source. My war has no inciting incident. People want to know why and I can't give them a reason. I am just built like this. If I had an answer, I might be able to win the battle at a much faster rate. All I know is that somewhere along the way I lost my smile. The spark died.

As despondent as all of this sounds, I don't plan to lose this internal war. I will take up arms against this sadness and win. For everyone else going through this, my advice is to hang in there. Get out of bed, even if it pains you. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. Go out and channel your emotions. The biggest improvement in my mental health came when I started creatively channeling my emotions.

Whether it's through painting, drawing, writing, filmmaking, or music, just get out and do it! I promise, sitting in your bed and surrounding yourself with negativity will not help you spring out of the darkness. Hear me when I say there is hope. You rule your mind. You have the ability to change. I am on my way to complete contentment, and you should be too.

For everyone outside of depression, please try and understand that this illness is very real, and that those struggling with depression are not freaks, loonies, psychos, or crybabies, just real people fighting an invisible war. Just, whatever you do, don't stigmatize the ones fighting a war you know nothing about.

Oh, and never take someone's smile for happiness. Sadness can hide behind the widest of smiles.

Sincerely,

Brendan