Dear Starbucks,
My love for you will never fade, however, the creation and hype of some of your most recent beverages make me question how dedicated you are to our relationship. Your beverages should make me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I take a sip, but instead, the sight of your newest release makes me cringe. Although the thought of the newly infamous unicorn frap nauseated me, I decided to give it a try anyway. I mean you know what they say....you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. The taste I can only compare to spoiled milk mixed with a sour patch kid didn't exactly agree with me. The pink and blue came back up almost immediately if you're picking up what I'm putting down... That first sip literally proved my point: you can, in fact, judge a book by its cover.
Pop culture has recently become re-infatuated with a mythological one-horned beast: the unicorn. First, it was the unicorn nail polish trend. Next, girls started dying their hair pastel colors and referring to themselves as unicorns. Now, not only has Starbucks poisoned my taste buds with their newest sour creation, but even Tarte, the high-end cosmetics company, jumped on the elementary bandwagon by releasing a line of unicorn makeup brushes. Honestly, I feel personally victimized by the CEO's that are allowing this tomfoolery to take place.
Now, let's set the record straight. I have nothing against unicorns. Honestly, I find them adorable and majestic. However, as much as I admire the majestic creatures, I would never want to turn myself into one, nor consume one in the form of a venti frap. Truth be told, I wouldn't be so shook about this if it actually tasted as advertised. However, after I was told by a barista that it would taste like an orange creamsicle, you can imagine my surprise when I felt like I was consuming vomit in a cup. So, Starbucks, please stop trying to be mainstream because clearly, you've failed. You guys have thrived off of being hipster granola for the past 45 years, so do us all a favor and stay in your lane.
Sincerely,
An angry and nauseated Starbucks regular
