Are you a child? Do you have a child? Do you want to have a child? Well, whatever, if any of those apply to you, then you need this article in your life. See, the thing is, I was once a child. And as a child, I watched a lot of movies. Now listen up, cause I'm about to lay some straight truth on you: your child will never be as cool as me. But, don't give up hope! If you make your child watch these ten movies, then they will definitely grow up to have a sliver of my air of superiority, as well as the mouth of a sailor. So let's go.
1. Tropic Thunder
Who wouldn't wanna snuggle up, have some cocoa, and watch the blatant bravery of some true American heroes? It's never too early to instill in your little sunshine a spark of patriotism!
2. Pineapple Express
Nothing says friendship like good ole Seth Rogen and James Franco. These two buddies have been at it since Freaks & Geeks, and they do not disappoint in this family-friendly blockbuster! With some romance, action, true friends and good times, there's nothing your kiddos won't love about "Pineapple Express."
3. Step Brothers
Two unlikely friends become the best brothers in the entire world in this cutesy film. Recommended for siblings who tend to argue, this easygoing, inspiring narrative lays out the emotional struggle of two men who learn to love again. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may want to turn away at times, but "Step Brothers" could not be more of a family-oriented movie.
4. The Godfather
It's never too early to learn about family values! This film begins with a wedding scene, and a beautiful family gathering. There's plenty of romance for your little princess, and lots of fights for your little warrior! Before you know it, they'll be running around the house trying to protect your family's secrets. Oh, how precious these young days are. So sit back, relax, and enjoy "The Godfather."
5. Inglorious Basterds
[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F07%2F11%2F636038016978590807-129365005_latest%3Fcb%3D20130815103852&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=998&h=f48005f89b2ae412130c49ee817bc8370566f1f947de08d4ff589f9fa00b2c1e&size=980x&c=141291641 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F07%252F11%252F636038016978590807-129365005_latest%253Fcb%253D20130815103852%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D998%26h%3Df48005f89b2ae412130c49ee817bc8370566f1f947de08d4ff589f9fa00b2c1e%26size%3D980x%26c%3D141291641%22%7D" expand=1 original_size="1x1"]Learning is vital with children, and with this movie you can bring history class right into your own home! Let them eat popcorn and fight over who gets the best seat in the house while Inglorious Basterds teaches your children the absolute true facts of World War II. They will finish the movie feeling informed, patriotic, and ready to thank Grandpa for his service.
6. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
NASCAR: The true American sport. Your little tykes will love sitting in front of the TV, eating pizza and watching the cars whiz by! This movie includes the heart-wrenching "up by the bootstraps" story of Ricky Bobby, his two angel children, and his perfect life which he earned himself. Ricky Bobby exemplifies the American Dream to the tee, and your children will want to work harder, better, and faster after watching "Talladega Nights."
7. Happy Gilmore
Happy is a friendly, confident, and athletic young man who was raised by his grandmother. In order to buy her a house, he works hard and wins money for her by playing the wholesome sport of golf. Happy Gilmore will have your children calling their grandmother every day, and wanting to have playdates with her instead of their little snot-nosed friends. Enjoy "Happy Gilmore" with a nice Subway sandwich, just like Happy eats!
What an American classic! "Psycho" will make sure your kiddos are responsible and always lock the door when mommy and daddy are not home. Your kids will hold each other throughout this entire movie, and it will be such a great bonding experience that they will never want to sleep alone again! Enjoy your domestic bliss after watching this movie, because your children will never want to be alone ever again.
9. Pulp Fiction
Another classic dynamic duo film! "Pulp Fiction" is a dramatic family comedy, and will have your kid glued to the TV. It teaches several crucial life lessons, such as how to get blood out of upholstery, as well as how to hide a body. You never know when your little critters are going to need to avoid the fuzz! Kick your feet back and enjoy Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta in their prime.
10. Brokeback Mountain
Ah, love is in the air. It's never too early to teach your children about all kinds of love, and let them know that their identities are valid and represented in cinema. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal present a beautiful story of an even more beautiful couple. After, all, what do cowboys do? They ride, son. Your little guy will love learning about the wild west in "Brokeback Mountain."
Now that you've got a solid ten suggestions under your belt, go home and watch some quality film with your little babies! After all, they're only young for so long, and then they turn into shitbags like me who write stupid articles like this one.