The stars were peeking through the clouds, the crickets were chirping, and it still felt like it was just me out there. Holding my wrist and grazing my fingers over it with tears streaming down my face, gasping for one single breath was not what I had in mind when I wanted to spend a peaceful serene night just "thinking". I have gone through a depressed state, but I by no means have depression. I have never caused harm to myself physically. But have I thought about it? Yeah.
Now I bet you're asking, "Why would you ever think of doing such a thing to yourself?"
No one can really understand until you're in the situation. We go through life thinking, "wow that could never happen to me, that would never affect me, I'm different." In reality, that's one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves. There's this false idealization that we can not only save other people, but also ourselves. When we have achieved the two steps forward we feel invincible to the three steps back.
"Do you know who you are?"
Listening to this phrase come through my laptop speaker instantly struck me. Suddenly the fictional character, Christina Yang, became someone who spoke words that would cross my mind constantly for the next few days. Do I know who I am? I think so. Maybe. I really don't know. People change, right?
"Do you know what has happened to you?"
Nothing really has happened. Life moves on, and we have to move on as well. It's easy to think that so many people have it so good. That they're almost perfect. If nobody is perfect, why does the comparison of "he/she is better than me" constantly come into play?
If God created us all equal, and we are all beautiful in His eyes, why do we think that anybody is actually better than someone else? When a question is posed about oneself in respect to someone else, an answer must follow to allow comfort and justification. The emotional answer is easier to access than the realistic one.
"Do you want to live this way?"
Let's go back to the front porch. Do I like feeling like this? No. Is this the real me? Absolutely not. You are not defined by your emotions. A good friend told me that if you don't want to put up with something, don't. Life is way too short to over complicate things.
"Do you know who you are?"
Our true self is defined by Jesus. And how awesome is that? It's so radical, because if we looked at ourselves the way Jesus does, life would be SO DIFFERENT. Loving yourself isn't selfish. You should love yourself more than you love anyone else. Because suddenly everything you hate to look at in the mirror, becomes everything you couldn't imagine living without.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody has it easy. Everyone has their own battles and their own demons. Everybody has those moments where taking a breathe is almost all that they can do. But pressing forward, and going when the going gets tough is what we were created to do. There is no absolute perfection, there's just absolutely you and the stars, and the crickets, and the porch. And that is more than enough.
