It was a strangely warm November day and the clocks were striking 13. Anchors were hyperventilating on air. On one side of America, grown men wept. Half of the staff of MSNBC was catatonic, the other half running around in hysterics. Rachael Maddow was in shock and despair after "Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States," flickered across the screen, said, "This is actually happening. I can't believe it."
California, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts Vermont, Rhode Island (yes that's still a thing), and Connecticut have succeeded. Media moguls, on record, were "worried for the country," but thrilled that whatever the president's antics would be would pay for lovely new summer homes. Supporters rioted in the street shouting, "Make America great again!" and "Build a wall!" Innocent children shook in fear and then debated calling 911 when one supporter accidentally shot himself in the foot in his drunken joy.
Lin-Manuel Miranda, the writer and composer vowed that "Hamilton" will never, ever be performed at the White House again. "We are not lucky to be alive right now," he said somberly. As he said those words, dead founders of this once-OK-ish nation rose from the dead asking, "You guys are joking, right?" Across the ocean, zombie King George is cackling. And there is an epidemic in the days that follow President-elect Donald Trump (I cried typing that sentence); businesses shut down, because in foreign nations employees and politicians alike cannot stop laughing at the United States of America. "It is the oddest thing," said a British doctor who asked that his identity be kept a secret (because after all Donald Trump will be the Commander-in-Chief soon), "since the election results were given, citizens have been doubled over laughing and laughing at American stupidity. And they cannot do their jobs doubled over and clutching their aching stomachs."
In preparation for this event, the E! News network announced their newest show to air in March had the working title: "Keeping Up With The President." They were optimistic about the ratings.
#PresidentTrump and #DumpTrump have been trending for hours, as social justice advocates and moderate conservatives drank their tears in sudden unity. One tweet might say it all: "If the American Dream wasn't dead before, it certainly is now."
Streets were flooded as terrified progressives and people of color ran for the Canadian border, only to be stopped by a human wall of very polite Mounties who simply said, "I'm sorry you elected the Reality TV star, you have to live with it, eh."
For his first words as presidential elect, he said to a crowd of angry racists and disillusioned people who don't realize the impossibility and unconstitutionally of his promises, "Media, you're fired!" "Obama, you're fired!" "ISIS, you're out of a job!" "Mexico, you're fired!" "And you," he said to an eagle (captured for the occasion), "You are definitely fired!" Reporters would continue coverage of this horrific event...but it appears they have all been fired.
