I am almost 20 years old and still, more than half of my lifetime was spent in a small all-girls Catholic school. As it was all that I had known since I was four years old, it took me until I left to realize all that was truly wrong with the system. I can't blame my parents, they didn't know and I never shared, but I sure as hell can blame those who ran that school.
What I learned in Catholic school is, if you are slightly different, it's going to stand out in a big way and most definitely is not appreciated. You want to create music? Good luck sweetie, you should consider a "more serious" career path. You aren't good at one thing? Well, basically, you are useless. I was bullied and belittled for my differences by teachers and students instead of appreciated for my unique gifts.
When I was in second grade, I got eight stitches in my knee after falling off my bike. My homeroom teacher made me walk up and down the four flights of stairs every day because I didn't have "proof" to use the elevator. Was the sewn-up mess on my knee and doctors orders forbidding me to bend it not enough? This was my first memory of feeling small.
Catholic school enforced a motto of guilty until proven innocent. You feel like you are going to throw up in class? I'm sorry, I'm trying to teach about Jesus's 40 days in the desert, you will be fine. But you will later get yelled at for vomiting in the hallway. They instilled the fear of life in you. I remember a teacher saying if you grew up self-harming, getting a tattoo, being homosexual or committing suicide, you would go to hell.
I was 12 and it scared the shit out of me. I had a teacher in the seventh grade throw a research paper at me announcing in front of the whole class that my sister was a better writer, an overall more organized person and that I should be more like her. The whole class just stared. I wish I could say this was an unusual experience, but it happened all the time. Teachers humiliated students to build insecure, characterless rule followers.
In eighth grade, I performed at my talent show. It was exciting for me to finally show how hard I had been working at my music. My Spanish teacher told my mom, "If I knew Chelsea had talent I would have treated her differently." Because I was bad at Spanish, she believed I was bad at everything. During the few weeks left of the school year, she talked to me respectfully, constantly asking about my gigs, instead of with the typical condescension I used to receive.
Come high school, I spent a lot of time in detention for simply not caring. Knee socks rolled down? Detention. Wearing a sweatshirt during a prayer service? Detention. De-laced shoes? Detention. Writing song lyrics on your arms? Detention. Constant punishment for what they considered "wrong" makes you afraid of doing anything. A teacher in high school failed me for putting my test in the period five folder instead of period three. Later, she tried to shame me during the high school talent show claiming she could see up my rather appropriate dress. It was a constant power play.
Catholic school was one big shame-fest. While they constantly reinforced and claimed they loved others like "Jesus does," the authority figures were the worst, most judgmental people I've ever come across. Like the famous quote goes: "If you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." That's how I felt until I finally left for public school, where suddenly not fitting a mold was okay, where you weren't forced to go to confession to only be judged by the priest for what you told him, where there were no cult-like prayers said before each class and you weren't shut down for questioning the belief system.
I wish I could say Catholic school didn't still have an effect on me. I'm anxious when speaking up for fear of being shut down and still deeply insecure about my differences, but I'm growing every day. Twelve years in "Holy Hell" only made me a stronger, more understanding person because I never wanted to be like those people. Your differences are needed in the world.
