I've worked with preschool-age children every summer and winter break for the past two years. What I've realized in my time at my place of work is that you never really think about the ridiculous things you are capable of saying or doing until you work with children. The amount of times I say, “Spit whatever’s in your mouth into my hand right now,” or, “Stop dueling each other with the fake vegetables,” or, "Who put crayons in Mr. Potato Head?," over the course of the school week, is absurd. I come home from work covered in snot, drool, or yogurt. More often than not it’s all three at once. For real, though, stop giving kids yogurt. It just gets everywhere. The most ridiculous, however, is the things the kids say all by themselves. In front of you is an itemized list of the conversations I have had/overheard with children (ages four and under) over the course of two years.

1. The Chatterbox.

A kid pretending to talk to his mom on a toy cellphone screamed, “Mom, that’s enough!,” before hanging up on her. I wonder what she could have said.

2. The Wise Guy.

Me: “Do you have your listening ears on?”

Kid: “I just can’t find them.”

3. The Truth-Bomber.

Me: “Are you earning treasure box right now?”

Kid: “How am I supposed to know? That’s your job.”

4. The Impatient.

Kid, to another adult: “You make me crazy!”

5. The Smooth Talker.

Kid to me: “You’re so beautiful. What’s your phone number?”

6. The Imaginative

Kid [pointing at a manhole cover]: “That’s where the Ninja Turtles live.”

7. The Myth Busters.

Me, to a group of arguing four-year-olds: “All right guys, why are we yelling?” It turns out they were arguing about whether or not Bigfoot was real.

Kid 1: “He is real, I saw it on TV.”

Kid 2: “But he isn’t real.”

Kid 3: “Miss Emily, it’s a guy in a suit. Tell him!”

Me [trying to rationalize with toddlers]: “Well, either way it doesn’t matter because no one has proven if Bigfoot is real or not. So there’s really no reason to fight about a question that has no answer.”

[Silence.]

Kid 1: “…so he IS real.” And then they started arguing all over again.

8. The Stinky.

Me: “Did you poop?”

Kid: “No, it’s just gas.”

9. The Innocent

Me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Kid: “I wanna grow up little.”

10. The Tired.

I was sitting with the kids while they were coloring and one kid (who never speaks) says, “Johnny is bothering me.” I asked him, “How is he bothering you?” To which he replied, “Because he’s talking to me.”

11. The Storyteller.

A kid, age four, told me all about how when I was little he used to take me on rides in the "turtle bus" (as in "TMNT") for pizza.

12. The Mathematician.

Me: "How old are you?"

Kid: "Three!"

Other adult: "No, you're four."

Kid: "I'm not four yet, I'm six!”

13. The Philosopher.

Kid: “You’re old.”

Me: “How old do I look?”

Kid, after thinking about it for a minute: “Old enough to die.”