I consider myself to be a more conservative millennial. When I say conservative I just mean I wouldn't count on finding me when swiping through Tinder. Over the past couple weeks however, I've felt like exploring so I downloaded the hook up-- DAMN I MEANT DATING-- app that for some reason Apple's App Store categorizes as an essential. I've never used this app before so this was going to be a fun new adventure. I was so ready for the cheesy creepy pick up lines or at least that's what I told myself. Below are 10 things that I didn't prep myself for before entering the Tinder Universe.
1. Guys are creeps.
Literally like common knowledge, yeah but I never knew the extent. People are really sick and gross. I wanna say a good majority of the openers I've gotten off of Tinder have been "tits?". The only redeeming thing I can say about these men is they're honest and to the point, they don't pretend to be a nice guy.
2. Dogs can only do so much for a person.
Yes, I love dogs. Yes, pugs are angels from above. No, I will not automatically swipe right on you if you're holding a dog.
3. The people "looking for something" are always gross.
They're liars. We live in a world full of liars. Never swipe right on these people.
4. A lot of my guy friends are desperate.
So inevitably, swiping through I landed on a few of my very close guy friends and I'll just say, I'm getting them water next time we hang out #thirsty.
5. I don't know how to talk to random strangers.
Literally Tinder is so weird. What do you even talk to these people about? If one by some weird coincidence doesn't open up with something like "nudes?" and says something resembling more of a human greeting, what do I say in response? If they ask me how my day went, do I tell them that my life is slowly falling apart because I can't understand anything in any of my classes but it wasn't the worst day I've had this past week because I actually drank my coffee instead of having someone on a skateboard slap it out of my hand trying to balance himself because he came around the corner too fast? Or do I just stick to the classics and say "nudes?"?
6. I hate interacting with people.
Tinder has this "group" aspect that for some reason my roommates insist we use, it sucks. It's always so awkward because now instead of not knowing how to talk to just one stranger, I have to figure out how to talk to like three of them at once and keep up with the conversation I have no interest in having so my roommates don't call me lame.
7. Tinder is grown up Chat Roulette.
Literally when my parents used to tell me and my friends not to use chat roulette in middle school, I now see why. That was basically a training for using Tinder. You completely innocently go on and then all the sudden you see some NSFW material. No one was ready for that.
8. Don't swipe right as a joke.
If you see someone you kinda know on Tinder and you think it would be funny to swipe right, it's not funny. Speaking from experience, I've done this with like three people and all three people think I seriously swiped right in efforts of pursuing something and sharing with them the emotions I had buried deep inside. They're wrong. I was doing it for the laugh and they were doing it for the fulfillment of the secret desire to send me "woah, totally crazy! I thought you always seemed like you had a thing for me ;)".
9. Keeping a match in limbo is dangerous.
When getting a less than desired message from someone, my go to has been ignoring it but some of these people are relentless and determined. Someone offered to Venmo me for nudes and I was like "I can just ignore this guy and live my life" but no. He blew up my Tinder with constant requests and even prematurely venmoed me. This led to me not only returning his money but blocking him on Tinder, Venmo, and Instagram. This guy might be in the market for a white van in the future so dealerships beware.
10. This is way too much.
If Tinder is the way of finding people in the future, count me out. I just don't see how people use this service.
All in all, yeah the app is still on my phone. Why? Because I'm lazy and forget to delete it. It wasn't the worst experience but I wouldn't rank it in the top 50 decisions of my life. It's good for some laughs though because the try hard bios are funny to read and sometimes the crappy openers are little rays of sunshine, knowing that you will never have to resort to that level to get someone to like you. Anyway, I know I just hated all over Tinder but if you use it that's cool, hit me with a great opener in my comments.
