Between the “Florida Man” phenomenon, the Miami zombies, and Disney, Florida is definitely one of a kind. Of course, I do walk my pet gator to school while eating an orange every morning, but besides that I can definitely pinpoint a few distinct characteristics:
1. Hurricanes are a joke.
If it’s less than a three, it’s irrelevant. Hurricane preparation kits are a joke, and as long as you know the nearest shelter in case it does hit that category three mark, you’re set. Maybe school will even get cancelled!
2. Humidity is inescapable.
The second winter hits girls utilize flat irons and curling wands with a vengeance, knowing the brief season that we (and only we) find to be freezing will be our only respite from walking outside to find our hair has turned into a knotty, frizzy mop atop our heads. Forget a windchill factor, humidity drenches you in sweat and makes that 102 degrees feel like 112.
3. “It’s north of Tampa.”
If you don’t live in Tampa, Orlando, Miami, or Tallahassee, your town doesn’t exist.
It’s best to just explain its location in terms of those four landmarks.
4. Flip Flops are a must have.
You can wear them to the store, school, dinner, the beach, wherever you go they’re quick, easy, and on your feet 99% of the time.
5. You’re either a Gator or a Seminole.
This one is non-negotiable, you’re either a UF fan or an FSU fan and when it’s game night fans of the opposing team are your enemies. Even if you’re married to one.
6. Palm trees. Palm trees EVERYWHERE.
You might live in the Keys or you might live in Inverness, but there are palm trees somewhere nearby and they are wholly inescapable.
7. Alligator Alley.
If you live in Florida, you know gators are in almost every body of water you come across, but of course no lake can hold a candle to the Everglades, miles and miles of swampland that play home to several hundred thousand of the reptiles.
8. Cuban food.
Along with the brilliant vibrancy of language and culture that flood southern Florida comes an assortment of Cuban restaurants and pastries that add a little something extra to Miami life.
9. Disney: The Happiest Place On Earth.
Disney is a few hours away at most, and if you live in central Florida odds are you’ve been there several times and it’s lost its magic.
10. Zero Tolerance for Cold.
Your relatives from up north come down during the winter, and while at 40 degrees they’re in shorts you’ve probably worn nothing but hoodies for weeks. If it’s under 60, it’s cold.
11. Tourists. Tourists everywhere.
If you're anywhere even remotely close to the beach and it's at ll near summer, you'll see them. They make traffic insanity, take up all of the space closest to the water--but when it's prom weekend, even they are outnumbered by the Floridian high schoolers who overtake Clearwater.
12. Florida Man.
Thanks to some open government laws Florida is home to, we aren’t restricted from a lot of stories and details that would stay hidden in other states--this leads to quite a few interesting headlines (we won’t talk about the Miami zombies).
13. The Holy Grail: Better known as Pub subs.
While Publix is heaven on earth to begin with, every Floridian knows the best part about it is the tastable perfection that is their subs (second, of course, is free cookies). Buy them for beach days, buy them for a fun lunch, or buy them for a delicious dinner when it's November and the cranberry turkey subs reign.
14. It’s raining? Wait five minutes.
Abrupt thunderstorms never fail to sprout out of nowhere, any and every day over the summer. It’s cool, though, they usually end after five or ten minutes--just long enough to drench your white shirt.
Florida is definitely one of a kind, and has many flaws, but at the end of the day it’s home.
We also have Harry Potter world, so who’s the real winner here?
