Throughout most of my adult life, I have always carried weight in my stomach, hips, and thighs which isn't something that I typically think about.
I've never thought of myself as skinny and never had any desire to. In fact, I prided myself on being a little thick and was happy when people said things like "thick thighs save lives."
However, whenever I am invited to an event and have to buy an outfit for it I always end up crying in my room and debating not going out. This is due to the fact that most of the time I fit into a larger dress or pants size than I desire and usually, I walk away without anything that fits.
This frustrates me to no end as I often feel like a failure and a cow for being so large.
More times than not I no longer have the desire to even go to the event I was shopping for in the first place as I end up feeling like I won't be having as much fun anyway. Today this happened to me and it is not a fun feeling. It's not fun to tell my boyfriend I might not be able to go to an event because I can't find anything to wear.
It's not fun to feel so miserable I hide in a dark room while crying to myself.
It's not fun to finally give in and order the dress only for it to come a day later than expected. It's not fun to plan to just not go with the theme and wear another dress from my closet if the dress I ordered doesn't fit (and I won't know till Thursday if it fits) and the event is on Saturday. It's not fun to feel like I need to fast to get skinner. It's not fun to feel so low.
And while I love getting dressed up and going out, I dread finding an outfit for the event.
I dread spending the day wondering if I look fat and if people are judging. I dread spending the whole event just wanting to go home and put on sweats. Events are fun and I'm sure once I'm there I'll have fun (once I've drunk enough wine to forget). But until then, I will feel sad about my weight and worry about the dress, that is due to arrive Thursday, fitting right. I just hope other chubby women feel this way because I know that my skinny friends don't understand my struggle.
