I gave birth to my son this Wednesday at 12:23 p.m. He was eight pounds five ounces, and he was the cutest little crying baby I had ever seen. My boyfriend, the father of my child, held him, and I could see an instant connection between the two of them. It was an amazingly beautiful moment. However, it was all too brief; the doctor sent my boyfriend and my baby away, and I was left lying on a surgery table as doctors stitched (and stapled) me back together. I had a C-section, and this is my story.
I had not planned on having a C-section. I had written up a birth plan, and all my preferences were clearly listed. Among other things, I said yes to an epidural, no to circumcision, and I had stated how I wanted to give birth (lying on my side or in a supported squat, because lying on your back is one of the most painful ways to give birth). I knew that things might not go according to plan, but I assumed they would. That was my mistake.
The doctor told me I needed a C-section because I was not dilating past seven centimeters and the baby's heart rate was high. When I first found out, I was fine. I was drugged up on an epidural, and since I knew I wouldn't feel anything, I saw no issue with the surgery. However, the more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. I pictured doctors slicing into my stomach and putting my organs in little silver bowls. I imagined what it would be like if my medication wore off and I felt what they were doing to me. I let my thoughts get the best of me, and by the time my doctors were wheeling my bed down the hallway, I was terrified. I wanted to trust that God had everything under control, but some small part of me still feared the worst.
My boyfriend came with me, which made things so much easier as they started the procedure. I held his hand, and he told me that things were going to be just fine. I was able to look into his eyes and try my best to focus on him instead of the surgery. Before I knew it, I heard the screaming cry of my newborn child. It was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. They handed the baby to my boyfriend, and I got to see him hold our child before the both of them were sent away.
Then I was on my own. That was not a pleasant experience. While I felt no pain, I could hear everything that was going on around me. I heard suctioning, stapling, and a whole lot of other things. I imagined the worst, and I started shaking uncontrollably. (I later asked if shaking was a possible side effect of a C-section, and I was told that it wasn't.) I wanted to hold my baby, but all I could do was stare at the blue curtain separating me from the surgery taking place. I found a few small blood spots while staring, and that sight sent a whole new round of shivers down my spine.
Everything ended up being just fine, aside from the unavoidable pain I later experienced. I will likely look back on that moment and laugh at how much of a scaredy-cat I was. (Yes, the pun was necessary.) To everyone who will end up having a C-section, I just want to say that you can make it through. Yes, it can be scary to be operated on while you are fully awake. However, the experience is worth it. When you hold your newborn child in your arms, nothing else matters.
