For those who watched the mid-season finale of "Grey’s Anatomy" last night, I think it’s safe to say it crushed all of our souls a little bit. It doesn’t matter what couple or characters you are invested in...something happened to rip your heart out. For Amelia fans, all of our worst fears came true with the final scene of her in the episode. After her boyfriend shuts her out and her sister tells her she isn’t her sister and kicks her out of her house, Amelia ends up in a bar.
On Private Practice (PP), Grey’s sister-show, we saw Amelia struggle with addiction and relapse. We watched this witty, charming doctor we fell in love with stumble over her own feet and then get caught in a rabbit-hole of destruction. We saw her come apart episode by episode, and it was gut-wrenching. Every week we tuned in, rooting for her until finally thefamily she worked with staged an intervention and she went off to rehab. We all cheered. After many more tumultuous weeks, we thought we were in the clear.
Last season in "Grey’s Anatomy," Amelia told Owen (previously mentioned as the boyfriend ignoring her) that she was 1,321 days sober. We cheered again. After a time jump in Grey’s world, we figured out she was currently somewhere in the 1500s. We counted these days, eagerly celebrated the victory that felt like our own. After much more tragedy, she still managed to maintain her sobriety. Our sense of false security was overwhelming.
Then last night happened. Amelia’s final scene is her in a bar, very clearly struggling with her choice to take a drink. The scene fades out with her gulping one big sip back.
Day zero again.
And it’s brilliant. Thank you, Shonda Rhimes. Thank you for staying true to this incredible woman’s struggle and more importantly, letting her be incredible with her addiction. We have gotten to see Amelia perform the impossible. We watched her operate on an inoperable tumor and save the life of a doctor that had resigned herself to death. We’ve seen countless other miracle surgeries throughout her run on PP. There is no doubt that Amelia is a talented, ambitious, amazing doctor. And one that happens to struggle with addiction.
It’s hard to watch her fall off the wagon. But this one drink, whether it spirals into more or not (I’m keeping my fingers crossed you’ll come through for us Amelia fans, Shonda), it shows us a very real side of addiction: it never goes away.
Never.
It’s hard to watch and embrace. It’s even a bit discouraging for those that are coming out on the other side themselves. But it’s the truth and it’s a part of recovery. Addiction stays with you through every single thing you do. It’s in the back of your mind every day. Sometimes there’s a trigger, like a fight with someone you care about, and sometimes there’s not. Sometimes your brain just wants it so bad that you trick yourself into believing you can handle one more drink, one more time.
We love seeing Amelia happy and successful. But this small scene was a powerful reminder of what anyone with addiction can tell you: addiction does not forget.
Addiction will not let you forget.
It’s a part of who Amelia is.
While recovering from an eating disorder, my nutritionist said something to me that changed my life.
She said, “There’s a little voice in the back of your head that tells you throwing up is going to solve all your problems. She comes out right when you feel most alone and most vulnerable and she offers you a big shiny solution, and she makes it so easy to believe her. If it was someone else, we could kick them right out of your life and that would be the end of it. But this voice, she’s a part of you, so we can never get rid of her. But what we’re going to do together is make her voice so small that you can barely hear her anymore.”
And that is recovery. Quieting a voice that stays in your head for the rest of your life. Sometimes, every so often, she catches wind and yells at you so loud that you can’t hear anything else. It doesn’t mean you failed. That voice is a part of who you are, and it’s about learning her and getting to know her, and knowing that she doesn’t have the power to control your life anymore. It doesn’t mean you’re any less amazing. It just means you're a complex human being, just like everyone else.
What "Grey’s Anatomy" did with Amelia was heartbreaking and heart-wrenching...
...and absolutely brilliant. Without throwing it our faces, Amelia disproves the stigma of addiction. I’m terrified and enthralled to see how Amelia’s story continues. I know it will be a roller coaster, and I’m privileged to be a part of it.
