This week has been a rough one. My semester in California is looming over my head and filling me with excitement and nervousness, but I seem to constantly forget that I still have time and purpose here at home, even just for a few weeks. I have suddenly become overwhelmed and exhausted just from thinking of what I need to do to prepare while attempting to stay present in this moment as long as possible. I don’t want to wish any time away, for every single moment counts.

I think many can relate to what I have been feeling this week. The word that comes to my mind is numb. I have really felt numb to everything. I have seemed to stop caring. I have tried to put this life on pause as I prepare to move away, but the pause button isn’t available yet, so I have trekked on, not feeling a thing.

My time with the Lord has been rare and dreary, and my time with others has not been much better. I have found myself becoming lazy and unprepared, and work has been anything but a means to sharing the gospel.

So what do I do? Give up?

Not at all.

I push through. By the strength and power of Jesus I keep going. God does not promise life will always be easy. He knows that our flesh, our powerful and captivating flesh, still exists in this life and pulls at us with every ounce of strength it has. We are not called to follow Christ only when we really feel like it. It is absolutely a discipline, and it is hard. This is something I have been learning over and over again.

The peaceful reality is that God’s grace is full, and He is understanding. He is not fair, He is gracious. If God were fair, we would all be burning in hell in this moment and for eternity. God uses these times to strengthen us, and He is using this strange time in my life to bring me closer to Him.

I thank God for the difficult times, for the times when I want to do anything but pray, because it is in these times that He loves to pour out His strength and mercy and show me that He has made me whole. He has made me His own. My constantly changing feelings do not constitute my relationship with Jesus. Thankfully, He never changes, and He has brought me to Himself for the long term, regardless of how I feel. His love is steadfast. His wings are shelter, and He is the promise that we can hold onto no matter what. He is the cornerstone, our only hope. He never leaves us. We leave Him, oh yes, but He remains true and secure.

Our duty is not to love Jesus when we want to. We have committed to love Him through everything. We have committed to die to ourselves and follow Him when it’s easy and when it is more daunting than anything we have encountered. He knows what we need. He knows that our emotions change momentarily, so He tells us to follow Him no matter what.

I thank God for His grace, and I thank Him that He prunes me and uses the difficult times to bring me closer to Himself.

To anyone sharing in these feelings I have been experiencing, know that there is hope and that these times are good. They are filled with building and strength giving.

I praise Jesus for who He is, and I thank Him that He has given me grace and pursued me throughout my entire life, on the mountain tops and in the lowest valleys. He is our only hope and our only true strength. He alone can save us, and only in Him can we have true joy.

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.” --Psalm 51:12.