"It will be okay."
Words I'm sure you force to run through your mind about as often as I do. Some days it's easier to believe than others, but it's something you just continue telling yourself whether you believe it or not. So as a person that understands let me just tell you something… it is okay.
It's okay to be okay, but it's also okay to worry. Now, don't hear me wrong. We are told that God does not give us the spirit of fear, and that is beyond true. Worry and fear and doubt, those are all things that are part of our weakness as human beings. They are all things that God didn't intend for us to have to encounter in His perfect vision for His creation. But now, they are all things that Christ wants us to fight through because when we fight through them, we find ourselves leaning that much more on Him and growing in Him more than we could ever imagine.
People have told me all my life, "you worry too much" or "you know, you really shouldn't worry so much." But, it's part of who I am. It's a weakness that reminds me just how much I need my Lord to be in my life every single day. There is nothing more incredible than coming home from a day that has me choking back tears with my blood pressure through the roof and questioning every decision I've ever made or will make, picking up my Bible, and immediately being put at ease by what God has to say to me.
Now, it's not always that simple. There are some days that nothing, and I mean nothing can bring me the peace that I am longing for. No book of the Bible, no verse, no worship song… nothing can suffocate the worrying beast inside of my mind. It's on those days that I just have to be patient. I have to remind myself of the Lord's infinite and perfect patience with me and try to reflect that the best I can. On those days I pray and I write. I do my best to make sense of whatever is plaguing my brain, but also have to remember that even if I can't make sense of it, I just have to keep faith that God is in control.
Keeping faith. Something that's easier said than done. And if you're like me, you question God way more than you should. Something happens that just does not make sense in any capacity and you just ask "why?" "Why did you have to close the door on that incredible opportunity?" "Why was I so wrong about what I thought you wanted for my life?" "Why did he have to leave me?" "Why do I disappoint the people I love?" "Why am I not good enough?" "Why did you choose me for this task?" "Why am I in this season of life?"
Then a new a wave of worry hits me. One that involves guilt. Why am I not strong enough in my walk and my faith to not question God? I am already so unworthy of His grace and mercy, and now I just feel unworthy of His love on top of it all. He deserves my full faith and trust and yet it is a battle everyday to be at peace and trust in Him. In my heart I know that He is more than enough to fulfill me, yet the everyday rejection of the world still consumes me. Why don't I radiate His joy everyday, knowing that I have the greatest joy in my salvation? Why don't I scream of my awesome God to the whole world? How do I have the right to be sad when I live an amazingly blessed life and above all, have Christ as the Lord of my life? Am I really genuine in my faith and am I putting enough into my walk if these things are still holding me down? Why do I doubt His power?
But then I am reminded that God is patient. He has made me in His image. He loves me. He wants me. I am enough for Him. Even the parts of me that annoy or bother other people will never push Him away. I might not talk a lot, but He talks to me daily. I may worry about the future, but He has my future in His hands. I may feel completely worthless, but I mean the world to Him. He had me in mind from the very beginning and was patient enough to craft me exactly how He deemed good, so He is patient enough for me to find Him continually throughout each and every day.
So though the spirit of fear and worry is not something that God wants us to have in our lives, don't write it off as the worst thing just yet. Should we let it consume us? No. Do we need to recognize that it is something Christ wants us to fight? Yes. Will it be easy? No. Will it make us feel completely worthless and helpless more than we'd like? Most definitely. But, that is where the beauty of the gospel and power of Christ can intervene. Jesus uses the broken and unworthy. As we battle daily in the name of the Lord, we grow in Him. But it has to be a battle. When we let it completely consume us and simply accept it is where the devil will be able to attack at full force. Don't give him the upper hand. Christ is worth fighting for. Therefore, you are worth fighting for.God will never let a moment of pain or anguish go to waste for His children, just like the cross was not and never will be a waste.