Sunburn is the worst. You begin the day with such excitement and anticipation, but end it feeling like a black, over-crisped piece of bacon- and nobody likes feeling like a burnt slab of breakfast meat. So here are the stages of receiving a sunburn. If you're like me, you know these stages very well, yet feel the need to experience them each time you re-enter the sun at the beginning of the summer. What's a girl to do; it's the easiest way to get tan.
1. Woohoo! I'm so excited for it to be summer, I need to get to the beach immediately!
2. I'll put a little bit of sunscreen on, but not too much - I need that base burn.
3. I'm going to be such a bronzed goddess at the end of today, I'll be freaking irresistible.
4. Mom relax. I have lotion all over my body (lies, it's only on the tip of my nose).
5. I'm doing great; I see no burns and it's been four hours.
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6. I can for sure go in and out of the water without worrying about re-applying.
7. My face hurts a little, I'll just put a hat on - the sun is going down soon anyway.
8. Successful day on the beach and I see a little pink on my bathing suit line but that's to be expected!
9. I can't wait to take a shower and then put on my cutest sundress to show off my new tan lines.
10. Ow, the hot water really hurts, that's so weird.
11. It will be fine, there's no way I got burnt.
12. Good god.
*internally screams while looking in the mirror at the damaged goods*
13. Never in my whole life have I seen skin so red.
14. How in God's name did I end up with a giraffe-shaped white blotch on my arm?
15. Good, everything is burt except for my left knee cap.
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16. I hate the sun.
17. I refuse to ever re-enter the sunshine.
18. Oh look I'm the same color as that firetruck, how great.
19. I literally can't move me body.
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20. All I want in this life is a cold bath and for someone to rub aloe on me forever.
21. You would like to show me something? You're gonna need to put it in my direct line of vision because I can't possible turn my head.
22. You would like me to put a bra on? Sure, the straps only feel like knives cutting through my skin.
23. You would like to touch my hand/back/face/arm? It's gonna be a no for me.
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24. Yay I'm freezing which makes perfect sense when my skin is so hot you could fry an egg on it.
25. Please put me in a bed with clean sheets and never make me do anything.
Congratulations. You have just given yourself fourth degree burns and/or skin cancer. Oops! Oh well, maybe I'll be wrinkly as hell when I'm 30 but at least I'll be tan.
